WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I'm so fed up with all of this. So fed up. I wish I was the person I was a year ago. Someone full of self-confidence, hope, motivation, and good naivety. Now, my overriding feelings are despair and anxiety. The last two posts seemed like a step in the right direction. But here I am, slipping back into depression. I can't take it anymore. Each day here, I'm realizing more and more that my family is falling apart. In my most extreme desperation, they were all I had to fall back on. But now, I might not even have that. My father, as usual, is the source of it all. I have it easy being 2,000 miles away and becoming less and less dependent on my family each day, but my poor mother is basically dying in her own life. All I want for Christmas is humility from all the people that are fucking causing all of the anxiety and despair in my life. Is that too much to fucking ask, seriously? Swallow your useless fucking pride and be a real human being.

--Till then...

Tell Me

At what point does life become memories? When do these memories become nostalgia? And when do memories become so powerful they make us cry?

--Till then...

Thinking About the Future; Looking Back at the Past

Seeing the "Graduation Party" invite just makes me realize how inevitable the end of school is. Even though I feel like it'll never come, it will. And now, even though I'd rather stay with you, my friends, forever, I am happily thinking about the future.

When I first came to school, all I wanted to do was go home and live with my parents for the rest of my life. That's all I honestly wanted. I wanted it because it was safe, comforting, and free of change. When I was leaving for college, I was excited for change, but when I actually got there, I realized how much change scared the shit out of me. Looking into the future was the last thing I wanted to do, because I felt like I had no future. I felt like I was going to be alone forever. I had no clue how I'd make friends, nor why anyone would want to be friends with me in the first place. But somehow, I met the greatest people in the world.

Recently, I've been wondering what my life would have been like if I had taken a different path. I think, overall, going to the University of San Fransisco would have been a better fit for me. They have a Japanese studies major (a fact that, if I had known about it, would have led me there for sure. Sadly, the recruiter who came to my high school failed to mention this when I asked her about their Japanese program.....), and I feel like I would have liked the city a bit more than bleak Seattle. The more I look at it, the more I wish I had done it, and looking at the courses they offer makes me cringe in regret. I wouldn't be graduating this late (assuming that my family let me do it earlier), I would be doing something I love, and I'd have the possibility to add another major or degree. But, given the chance to do it over, I don't think I would. The friends I have made at Seattle University are nothing short of life-changing. I guess this brings me back to the sad fact that I'll never have this environment with my friends ever again... Living with you all has been the greatest thing in the world. That's why I miss freshman year so much, being literally across the hall from people I enjoy to my core.

But, as I hate to admit it, things must change. Well, if they're going to change, then I might as well pursue something different that I wanted to do, right? That's why I'm so excited for the next four years. This summer, I will hopefully be in Japan, the land of my dream, taking intensive classes in the subject I am best at: Japanese. And, on top of that, all expenses will be paid in full. Then, with a little luck and some great recommendations, I'll be able to live and work in Japan through the JET program. I want to do it for at least two years, but I hope that I like it enough to do three. By that time, I pray that I am fluent enough in Japanese to get into the graduate school of my dreams, the Monterey Institute of International Studies, where fluency in another language is an entrance requirement. There, if I still have the will, I'll pursue a dual degree in Translation and Interpretation along with Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages. I'll then be set to live abroad, pursuing my dream to be either an English professor at an East Asian university or to work for the U.S. government in the diplomatic corps. Either way, my dream life will be fulfilled.

Somewhere in between, I plan on doing this program at my high school called "Alumni Service Corps". In it, alumni from my high school who have earned a bachelor's degree teach classes based on what they're best at. I'd like to start a Japanese program there, since the only languages they offer there are Spanish, Latin, and German. Also in between, I hope to become fluent in at least one other language. I'm planning on it being Korean, as I hear they are starving for English teachers. I also want to learn Italian and Spanish. I feel like after learning Asian languages, these Romance languages will be a walk in the park.

Ah... Thinking about the future is fun. But working towards it is another thing.

--Till then...


P.S.: Sorry for the sucky writing. I have no clue why it's so awkwardly phrased.

Happiness Is...

Have you ever heard the song "Happiness" from the musical You're a Good Man Charlie Brown? In it, the Peanuts gang sings about things that make them happy. It's funny how the things that made us happy as a child can still make us happy, but a lot of times, we feel we need to "grow up" and "put away childish things". I admit, I put my happiness aside almost all the time. I think happiness can be dangerous if pursued only. I'd rather have a life of meaning than a life of happiness. But now and then, I realize that I can have it both ways.


Happiness is...

...seeing my best friends.
...laughing at stories.
...watching cartoons.

Happiness is...

...hugging my mother.
...watching the clouds go.
...cuddly raccoons.

Happiness is...
...having a cup of green tea with rice.

And happiness is...
...a fresh new sheet of ice.


What makes you happy? I think each day I'm gonna write things that make me happy... What would make me beyond happy right now is some snowfall... That would pick my spirits up right away.

--Till then...

Anger/Hate

Yes, I haven't posted here in forever. I think it's because I feel this place should be a space to write down my feelings to share with others, but I feel like everyone is sick of hearing my problems. Whatever, I think it's more personal now. But I'd still greatly like if you respond to it....

Anger and hate are often intrinsically linked. For me, this is in a way, true. Someone who makes me angry in essence is the basis of who I hate. Hate is such a strong word, but I won't deny it. I hate a couple of people. And, as weird as this may sound, I hate out of love. For example, I hate my brother. He's a selfish, lying, hedonistic asshole. But it's out of love that I hate him. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't give a shit about him. But because I love him and see him throwing his life away and doing nothing to move forward, I hate him. He's dying in front of my, his life all but hopeless, so I hate him for it.

This same pattern applies to other people. People who I care for deeply, but throw their lives away for false reasons and live in their own world. They fill me with such anger. And what angers me the most is their reaction to this anger. My anger/hate that I described comes out because I care for/love someone. I see no point in getting angry at someone who does not impact my life. To me, this is quite obvious. But the people I am angry at can't see this. If I hate you, I love you.

In a way, this can apply to a macroscopic view. Most people on campus that I'd say I "hate" even though I know them very little anger me because, again, I feel like their life is being wasted. Everyone reading this might immediately think I'm an asshole. Maybe I am.

But I love you.

--Till then...

Answers

I'm looking for answers..........

--Till then...

In Charge Again

I am in charge of my own life. I make my life's decision. Everyone should try and live like this. But this does not mean that we should try to be alone. Spending time with people is the greatest thing we can do with our lives and I want to maximize my time with people as much as possible.

I do not want to return to my depression. But I will if certain things in my life continue on as they are now. I want to be even more in charge of my life than I am now. Let me. Give me that. Don't make me hold my breath. I want to move forward. I want to release regrets and make up for mistakes. Let me.

--Till then...

Still the Same

The clock said hi to me today when I checked in. It reminded me again what I am trying to ignore. Too bad it still exists and always will. That was one thing I enjoyed about the temporary loss of the use of my eyes. I stayed in place.

Now that I can see again, though, I enjoy what has been given to me a long time ago. But still, it won't satisfy like what was taken away from me so callously. Yes, I can live without it. Yes, I can live without what I have right now. Yes, the internal mainframe is sound and almost indestructible. But that doesn't mean much. If we're both here, then there is a grain I mill for you and a spice you provide for me. The grain nourishes and the spice provides a much needed, complex flavor.

If what was so callously taken away from me comes back, then I will be happier. If the removed article stays elusive forever, yes, I can reach happiness again, as I am happy now, but it will not be as much so. Maybe the grain I milled seemed far too course. And some of the spice you provided me was bitter beyond belief, as other customers complained as well. But that doesn't deny either's usefulness.

Clock, stop spinning. Spice bearer, return. Either way, I'm in the hallway, taking a nap. If you can find the door, wake me up if you want.

--Till then...

You just don't get it....

I'm sick of this all. I'm sick of being treated like nothing can help me. I know things can help me. I'm trying to get help. But people keep pushing me down into this by saying there's nothing they can do and that it's my own issue. No, I'm not OK. If I seem happy, I'm faking it because I don't remember what it's like to be happy or the happiness is only fleeting and goes away quickly. On top of this all, I am physically incapable of sleeping, which makes me have no energy and makes me irritable. But I don't want to live like this anymore. Help me.

So, how can you help? Do things with me. Be a friend to me. Initiate something. Talk to me. Acknowledge my existence. Yes, this won't solve things entirely, as there is only one way for this to be solved, but knowing I have friends to fall back on will prevent me from going deeper into this. This will give me something to work towards.

Like I said, I want this all to end. I would say "I want things to go back to the way they used to be", but that would be a lie, because that was not good either. Understand that "giving me space" and letting me "work out my own issues" isn't going to work. My brain and my life are falling apart.......

--Till then...

The Cycle

Even through all the anger, through all the let downs, through all the absolute, total, inexplicable pain that comes from one source, through all the failures, through the black-hole that is you, through the utter lack of self-worth you cause me, through the feeling like a stranded ship in a deadly ocean frantically shining my beacon to another passing vessel that completely ignores me, through all of the compounding daily frustration that constantly fills my mind, through all of this, I still have hope. Is that bad?

--Till then...

Urgent Request!!!

FIRST: I REALLY want you to read my last post. I took a lot of time writing it and would like for others to read and comment on it.


I just created a new blog it's called "Uso Tsuki" (嘘月). It's a play on words. Do you get it? "Usotsuki" means "liar", but the kanji I used mean "false moon", but are still read the same way. I thought it was pretty cool sounding and came up with it by myself. Anyways, it's a blog entirely written in Japanese. I want to use it to practice writing in Japanese because lately, I've been forgetting ALL of my Japanese. You will see this clearly in my first post...

While creating it, I got an idea! I think all of us who know Japanese should be contributors to the blog so that we have one Japanese blog. Maybe how it could work would be someone would post something in Japanese, and another person could translate it into English. That way, we could practice both our writing AND translating skills as well as allow those who don't know Japanese to read the blog!!! Does that sound good? I really would like to do this and think it would be a fun way to keep in touch and to practice our skills.

My last request for the blog is that those who are fluent in Japanese (*cough* AIMI *cough*) could correct the Japanese written there so that whoever writes in it could get feedback on how accurate their writing is.

PLEASE, can we do this???? I think it would be so much fun!!!

--Till then...

P.S.: Someone should also be in charge of changing the layout @_@

Keeping a Stiff Upper Lip

"Yesterday, something strange happened."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"I found this stone."

"Wow. Sounds exciting..."

"Shut up. It glowed. Black."

"What?! How can something glow black?"

"I don't know. It just did."

"Show it to me."

"That's the thing. That's the strange thing that happened."

"Something stranger than finding a stone that glows black?"

"Yeah. Losing something is a lot stranger than finding something sometimes. Where do I begin..."

"Where did you find this stone?"

"I guess that's a good place to start. At work. I was taking the trash out to the dumpsters and found it lying underneath a half-eaten slice of pizza."

"Sick!!! You actually touched it?!"

"The bottom was glowing black. Of course I touched it. Anyways, I picked up the stone, and something just... came over me. I stared at it. For hours."

"What?! Are you serious? Hours?! At a stone?"

"Yeah. I was snapped out of it because one of my coworkers came outside to throw something away. They thought I had already left since my shift was over, but they said I was just standing there, staring at something in my hand."

"They didn't see the stone?"

"No. As soon as they called my name, I hid it from view. I walked to the park afterward. I sat at a picnic table overlooking the lake and just stared at the stone some more. It was beautiful. Otherworldly."

"Are you saying it came from, like, space?"

"I don't know where it came from. But have you ever heard of anything like that before on earth?"

"No. But it's not like I'm a geologist or anything. It could still be from earth. Anyways, how did you lose it?"

"I'm getting there. Anyways, it was getting late. Real late. And dark. So I got out my lighter to look at the stone more."

"Man, how long were you staring at the stupid thing?"

"A long time, OK. I couldn't help it. Anyways, I took my lighter out and the weirdest thing happened. Almost as soon as the light was made, it was sucked into the stone."

"What?!"

"Yeah, I know, right?! But, what was even weirder was that the fire was still there. A flame was still burning, but it had no light. Only heat. I was kind of creeped out-"

"Obviously!"

"-by the whole thing, so I went inside the bathroom area in the park to wash my face, you know, to regain my composure. Even though I was doing this, though, I couldn't put the stone down. It wasn't like it was glued to my hand or anything, but I just felt no reason to put it down. So I washed my face and rested on the mirror above the sink. I put the hand with the stone near the light above the mirror. And again, the light went out! It was absorbed into the stone!"

"What the hell, man. Are you shitting me? Is this some sort of joke?"

"No!! What would I gain from lying to you?"

"Whatever. Keep going."

"Anyway, I got freaked out again. I had no clue what to do. I went back home to my room and turned my light on, making sure to keep the stone as far away as possible from the light while still being able to look at it. I wanted to see if absorbing the light had changed it. And it did. I know this sounds weird-"

"Dude, this whole story is already weird."

"-but the stone was... blacker. But not. It's hard to describe. It kinda felt like seeing a new color that's not in the rainbow. It was- God, I hate using this word again- an otherworldly black. And it just made me stare at it more. I don't know why, but something in the back of my head kept telling me to give it more light. So I went around my entire house turning on all the lights and putting the stone next to."

"What about your family? Didn't they hear all of this?"

"My parents sleep through everything. I could be being hacked to death with a chainsaw by a serial murderer and they'd keep on sleeping. And my brother is away on his stupid 'retreat' (a.k.a. an excuse to get shitfaced in the woods) this weekend. So yeah, no one noticed me. I took it to every single light in the house. Even the light of the TV, the light coming from my alarm clock, the light from my laptop. Everything. Everything that put out the tiniest bit of light. Finally, after I went through everything I could get my hands on, I went outside. The sun was just coming up, but not enough to see anything well. So I went to the Starbucks down the street."

"Did you go to get coffee?"

"No, idiot. I went to look at the stone some more. I was completely into the stone. The employees gave me this weird look when I just went and sat down at the table directly under the light. I looked into the stone. It had changed again. It was........."

"Hey!! Are you OK? You just blanked out."

"Sorry. It's just... It was like looking into everything in the world all at once."

"What does that even mean? Sounds like some stupid ass cliche."

"I don't know. But I only looked at it for ten seconds before my eyes hurt so much."

"Like how?"

"Like when you've been in darkness for a really long time and you turn the TV on and it hurts your eyes. Like that, but times 50."

"Oh yeah, I know what you mean. What happened next?"

"I put the stone down to rub my eyes. I even screamed a little, it hurt so much. Those employees must have thought I was some sort of freak. It was weird rubbing my eyes, though. As soon as I had put the stone down, I felt some sort of emptiness inside me. Like I ceased to exist. So I picked the stone up and stumbled to the door, trying to open my eyes as little as possible."

"Wow. Emptiness, you say? Did it 'fill up' after you picked the stone up again?"

"Hmmm... Not really. It was kind of 50/50. It definitely felt different. I looked back down at it after rubbing my eyes and it looked different as well. Still glowed that otherworldly black, but just... different."

"But wait, that must of happened just a couple of hours ago. How could you lose the stone between then and now?"

"That's the thing. When I looked back at the stone, it started burning my hand. I dropped it, because it hurt so much."

"What?! You have to be making all this up. All of this from a stone?"

"Anyways... I poked it on the ground to see if it was still hot, but it seemed fine, so I picked it up again. I decided to go back home to figure things out. But as I was walking over there, it happened again. It burned me at least four times. See, look at my hand. And each time I picked it back up, it looked different again. Still utterly captivating and otherworldly, but more real and distant, if that makes any sense. Finally, I dropped it one more time... But it landed in the storm drain..."

"Fuck!!! What did you do?!"

"I just sat there and cried..."

"Cried?! Over a stone?!"

"You didn't see this fucking stone, OK. It was so... beyond anything. Beyond the world. I don't know. Everything I'd say not would just seem like a shitty cliche that doesn't really mean anything. But it'd be true. I can't do it justice. You'd have to have seen it."

"Geez. I'm sorry. I wish I had seen it. If it was that amazing."

"Yeah... I wish I could see it again too..."

"What happened after that?"

"I went back to my house. I walked in and my parents were up. They were really pissed off. They asked me why all the electronics were on in the house. I didn't give a shit. But I looked at everything and could only see a faint light coming from things. I knew they were normally much brighter. But now, every thing of light just seems darker to me. The sun, even. It's like I'm wearing permanent sunglasses."

"What the hell? That's so bizarre!! I wonder where that stone came from. And where it is now. And why it could do all of those things. Man, how do you feel after all of this shit?"

"Beyond dead."

--Till then...

Yasashii Yoake

永遠探す君は移り気な夢見人
浮気な夢にすがり貴方は何処へ行く
Me

黄昏開く鍵を探して月の影
届かないまま泣いた私は何処へ行く
Me

二人瞳に秘密失くしても
重ねた腕をほどきはしないわ
Us

一月の蒼い月朝焼け隠してよ
終わるはずのない夜に優しい夜明け
To you

近付く程に痛む恋の重さのせいで
離れすぎてた胸を自由と呼んでいた
You

暗い場所にだけ光るものがあると
小さな窓の遠く見つめてた
You

一月の蒼い月どこまで落ちて行く
終わるはずのない恋に優しい夜明け
To me

一月の蒼い月朝焼け隠してよ
終わるはずのない夜に優しい夜明け
To you

Regardless if it's worth believing anymore, what's written here is true. I can't control anything. I'm not allowed, I guess, to want anything either. I am told from all sides to give up. I still want. I still try and control. And I still never give up. Hopefully the gentle dawn will come and shine it's light on us. Till then, I'll be here. Till then, all reading, let us 生き続く。 You must also 生き続く, even though you don't want to. We all must. Because the gentle dawn will come. And even the pale moon cannot hide that.



If you want the meaning, you can easily find it. Go look. And you, you will probably never read this, will you? Why did I even write this.

--Till then...

Some Thoughts

The sound of the Skype ringer makes me happy. It reminds me of when people would call me in Japan.

I love the zoo so much. The zoo will never get old to me.

When I am in Pacific Place, I have this horrible feeling that I'm going to fall off the balcony.

Lately I've found most modern comedy movies forced and just not that funny. Friends, on the other hand, will always make me laugh.

Sometimes I fall asleep in my bed here, and when I wake up I think that I'm back home.

I have reoccurring nightmares about high school. The main theme is retaking my Senior physics class or being late to class.

I really like the way my hair looks when I first wake up. But it usually goes back to its horribly frizzy state throughout the day.

I get excited at the thought of eating at side of the road diners that look they've been there since WWII.

I think it's really sad that we have thoughts like these and other thoughts that we can't share with anyone.

--Till then...

Worse... Much Worse....

I am much much worse. I am in a deep pit. Only one thing can save me, but I don't think that it will happen. I can't see the light. I just want to stay away. I just need to stop for a while. I am nothing. I am worth nothing. Everything I touch is ruined. Everything falls apart when I am there. I am not worth saving. In any reality.

--Till then...

Better

I'm doing a lot better nowadays. I've realized to look on the good (which there is a LOT of in my life :-D) and realize that it is unreasonable to think that I will be happy and things will go my own way all the time. A lot of my unhappiness has mainly stemmed from my own selfishness. I realized that I have trouble accepting not being first all the time. And that's not fair, to anyone.

What has made me better (which I recommend that EVERYONE do) is talking. Talking about everything. Telling someone you trust some of your darkest secrets and, more importantly, your greatest longings. Follow your emotions and connect with people, and you will feel less alone and more grounded in the good of the world. It will take a lot to shake you from that.

This needs to be done by everyone. I want everyone who reads this to try doing what I said, face-to-face, with someone they care about and trust. I know in my life right now, there is someone who could benefit greatly from doing this. While I don't normally like using someone else's words to say what I want to say, I want to offer these lyrics from my favorite song in the world, "Come" by Namie Amuro, to that person:

もし今悲しみ溢れるなら、
私に凭れて泣いていいから。

If, now, your sadness is overflowing,
It's OK if you lean on me and cry.

気づいてあなたはこの世界で、
ただ一人だけの大切な人。

I'll let you translate this on your own...

もう瞳閉じて

Close your eyes.

もう眠ればいい

It's OK if you fall asleep.

So come my way.

--Till then...

And the Results are In!!!

Let me start off by first saying that I feel hollow right now. I feel kind of just stuck in time with no purpose. I just got finished watching a bunch of Japanese music videos on YouTube, but now I feel like doing nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Anyways, here are the results of my goals that I set for myself for Spring Break:

1.) Didn't even play it or put it in my PS2.... Sad. There's still a possibility for tonight, but I doubt it. Although I know once I start playing, I won't be able to stop.
2.) I remembered half-way into the week that I left the book in Milwaukee. Wow, I'm dumb.
3.) This one I did accomplish!!! I think I'm a LOT better than before, which is nice.
4.) Well, I went Monday and Tuesday, but nothing after that. I'm still pretty proud of myself for going two days in a row, though. Also, when I went, it said that I had lost 4 pounds from the last time that I had been in the gym (sometime in early February), which is bizarre because both Las Vegas (where I did nothing but eat) and Finals Week (which is when I ate a lot and a lot of not so good food) were in between that time. I guess that's a good thing. But I did a TON of walking on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday so I think I was active enough over break, which was the real intent of this goal.
5.) Well, I think I did well with this one. I'm a whole hell of a lot less depressed after talking to Julia *OK, quick tangent time, I just thought today was Friday. Wow. I am dumb...* on Skype for hours. It was so liberating to talk to her and remember how good of a friend she is even though we are separated by thousands and thousands of miles. We talked mainly about the thing that has been the focus of all my thoughts for the past month, which was REALLY needed. I now think more positively about that subject, though it is still hard. As far as being less of a douchebag, I worked on it. I helped my friends move, tried being more generous, and stopped whining so much. It was nice, though, because I think it paid itself in spades for doing all of those things. Thanks guys ~^_^~

So, in the end, I took care of the goals that I think were the most important. I knew this break was not going to be long at all with work every day and whatnot, but I think I used my time as best as I could. I was especially glad that I got to hang out with Janie and develop a stronger friendship with her. I even got to meet her mom! How cool is that???

Well, I now have RA stuff to do.... I really got shafted this break with how many more duty shifts that I got put on than everyone else on staff. I am totally going to even out the playing field this quarter and make sure lazy people on staff actually do their fair share of the work. FUCK YOU, YOU KNOW WHO. Oh, and I also have to finish our door decorations, which consist of amazing origami pieces that Janie and Philip made!!!! Let me just say this now: I am ECSTATIC that the two of them are moving onto MY floor!!!! They are SUCH amazing people and now we can hang out even more!!!!!

Hmmm.... Maybe my life doesn't suck so much after all? Blogging truly is therapeutic.

--Till then...

Paradox Week and Goals

This week has been the weirdest week of my life. It has been a week where I've felt the most joyous and felt the most worthless (probably with more emphasis on the worthless). I've proved myself to myself while letting down the people I care about. I found something to work towards for the rest of my life and cried for the first time in a year over it, yet still want to pursue it. I've been with people almost every hour of each day this week, yet I've never felt so lonely. But it's over. And I have no clue where to go from here or if it will go the way I want it to. It both scares and thrills me.

I now have a week to myself (for the most part) and I want to set some goals for myself, even though I'll be busy still.

1.) Beat Persona 3 and start Persona 4.
2.) Finish Brave Story and maybe restart Goblet of Fire.
3.) Get better at Super Smash Bros.: Brawl so that I can have something to show for all the time I put into it..... and so that I can kick Philip's ass ^_~
4.) Go to the gym every day (let's see if I can actually do this....).
5.) Be less depressed/less of a douche.

Think I can do it??? I hope so. I'll also try to blog each day. But if I promise that, I don't think I will do it.

--Till then...

The Flame

A man was walking in the woods, lost from the rest of his party. He had been wandering the seemingly infinite forest for 21 hours now, looking for some sort of help. When he was first separated, he was happy, enjoying the beautiful world around him, but after the 13th hour, he realized he was cold and unresponsive to all but that which would sustain him. It felt like he had been wandering in circles the entire time, not making any progress towards rescue. He returned to a spot that he had found recently. It was a peaceful spot that seemed undisturbed by the predators that prowled at night. He had earlier deemed it a resting place in case he was unable to find rescue. But as he was walking up to it, the lost soul noticed a faint light. He drew closer to this mysterious light and felt the warmth he had needed for so long. As the source of light came into view, he saw a humble campfire, burning wildly in the dark night. Why hadn’t he noticed it before? Closer and closer he came to it, seeking its warmth. The initial heat he felt stung his chapped, frozen skin. But slowly, his body got used to the newfound source of life, bringing him back from near-death. The more warmth he felt, the more warmth he wanted, so he drew closer. He was now just on the cusp of the flames, but he didn’t care. He went forward. His skin began to burn, but he continued. On and on he went, and his entire body became consumed in flames. Unbearable pain shot across his entire body, but, for whatever reason, he knew it was worth it. Finally, at the center of the blaze, the burning finally stopped, and the man was one with the flame. He looked at his new state, shining brightly as the full moon. The flame and him now provided light to the entire world that was covered in darkness. And he was happy.

--Till then...

Cleaning

Recently, I've undertaken the task of cleaning my room again. Now, some people may know me as a very messy person, but I actually really like cleaning, if I have the time. My room was very clean at the beginning of the school year. So much so that I was very proud of it, actually. But, then Jade and I worked on our door decorations for our floor as well as our humongous, one-piece (meaning we took one big piece of paper that was the same size as our bulletin board, and just glued everything to it) bulletin board in my room for like three days in a row for countless hours. My room didn't recover for weeks: there was paper EVERYWHERE!!! But, in time, I cleaned it. Then, I don't remember why, it got really messy again. I cleaned it again, right before my parents came for Thanksgiving. It was fine for a week or so, but then Jade and I stuffed these stockings my mom made for everyone on my floor (which we never ended up giving out.... Sad, all that work for nothing...), and my floor was littered with pieces of packaging from the stuff we stuffed them with as well as all of these stockings just in the middle of the floor. It was gross... I felt like I was gonna clean it before I went home for break, but because my weekend before leaving was so busy, I never got around to it, so I left with a really really really gross room. It was so gross, I thought that something was gonna grow in it over break. When I came back, nothing had grown, but it was still gross. So, my room has been like that the rest of the quarter up until yesterday. I'm really proud of myself!!! I'm probably 2/3 there: almost everything is sorted and thrown away, but I just need to vacuum (REALLY BAD), clean my wash my bed sheets again, and I want to rearrange my room. I've wanted to rearrange my room for a long time now. It's just not working for me now. But once I get it cleaned, I feel like I can finally have people over again, because I do have lots of space and chairs for entertaining. If only I had a couch.....

But, for all of you who remember my room Freshmen year, was it really that bad? I personally don't think I was the messy one in the room, if you know what I mean. I thought it was really fun having people over to play Mario Party or watch movies/TV shows. Sophomore year, though, my room was DISGUSTING, and that was all my fault, I admit. I think it was just because I felt no sense of attachment to it because I was going abroad and everyone else's room was so much cooler.

Does anyone have any fun cleaning stories/quirks? Any tips? Any motivational words for me???

--Till then...

Questions.....???

All my life, I have been asking questions. This is for many reasons: I need help right away, I'm curious, and (the most common reason) I'm unsure about something. In grade school, I'd always ask questions. It would mainly stem from the fact that I wanted to make sure that what I was doing was right. In 6th grade, my teacher got so annoyed with me that she forbid me from asking anymore questions. WTF?!?! I think that's when I started going downhill as far as being ambitious about learning. If I can't ask questions, I can't be curious! Now, whenever I am asked by people if they have any questions for me, I can't think of anything!!! Thanks a lot, 6th grade teacher.... Still, though, questions are a part of my style. Whenever writing papers (or doing creative writing), I tend to put a lot of questions in it. I believe that it keeps the readers engaged and allows them to know what I am thinking. Does that make sense???

I have questions for all who read this post:
1.) Who do you think has had the biggest influence on your life between the ages of 10 and 14?
2.) When confronted with a choice, do you go for the one with the biggest reward, or the one with the lower risk?
3.) If you could take one item onto a deserted island that you'd have to live on for the rest of your life, what would it be (and no "a boat" or beacon answers)?
4.) What question do you most want answered?
5.) What would you do if you were sent back in time to the day you were born?
6.) Do you feel like you are completely honest with people and that there is someone on this earth that truly knows you, good and bad?

That's all the questions I have! Remember, questions can lead to answers if you ask the right questions at the right time. Life would be so boring if we knew everything already, wouldn't it?


--Till then...

Bye, 2008.... I'll miss you!!!

So here we are, a new year, a new start... hopefully! 2008 was, in my opinion one of the best years of my life. Having reached the age of 20, the culmination of the end of the second decade of my life was filled with many splendors. It was also filled with many, MANY firsts, which are too numerous to go through with here. I also learned so much about myself. Needless to say, 2008 was amazing, even without really trying. I have felt like for a large portion of my life, I have been on auto-pilot, especially from Junior year in high school. I'm happy to report that this is going away!!! Yay!!! So, what are my wishes/goals for the new year?

1.) Get my academic act together: Improve my grades, figure out how I'm going to graduate, look into grad school, etc.
2.) Improve my Japanese: Study more on my own, talk to more Japanese people, etc.
3.) Become more connected with all my friends, even if they aren't where I am at the time: I've done a horrendous job keeping up with old friends, but hopefully that will change.

What are all of your wishes for the new year? Did you enjoy last year?

Finally, I leave you with my favorite photos from last year, one for each month, in reverse order. Enjoy!















--Till then...