Thursday, January 28, 2010

Wanting to kill oneself if an odd emotion. Merely the thought that thinking that death is better than life only solidifies the desire for it. Odd, no?

--Till then...

Friday, January 22, 2010

I Wish... Part 2

I wish...
...I could cry more easily, like I used to.
...I could take back that day. If I had never done that, I'd be a million times better.
...animals could talk.
...for super powers. All of them. Water manipulation, invisibility, control over time, you name it.
...I had more siblings. two were still my best friends and we could laugh over the stupidest things again.
...I had the ability to fall asleep whenever I want. Or never need sleep. Well, actually, on second thought, I love dreaming, so maybe just being able to sleep whenever I want and having it always be super restful.
...I had a puppy. weren't a sociopath. lived in the real world instead of your own little world. knew how much I love you. could just apologize, forgive, and forget.
...for things that you wouldn't want to know about. visit my childhood self and give him advice. I'd especially like to give him a notebook filled with all of my regrets so that he could avoid them for our own sake.
...I have wished in the past to not be the way I am. It would have made my life a lot easier. But now, I'd never wish for that. It's given me so much insight into the world.
...people could see me for who I am.
...Pokemon were real more than anything.
...lonely kids' could realize that their imagination is their best tool to realizing a better future.
...I could go on a journey like Chihiro does in Spirited Away.
I could travel around the world with my friends. I especially wish that I could reenact the scene from The Cheetah Girls 2 where they sing "Strut" while walking down the streets of Barcelona.
...all my friends would never leave me.
...wishes were real.

--Till then...

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I Wish... Part 1

I always wonder about what I'd wish for if given the opportunity. I think about various scenarios and restrictions on wishes. I think I think WAY too much about it to the point where I believe wishes are real and owed to me. Anyways, here are my thought processes on wishes, which I believe reveals more about my inner psyche than anything else.

When assessing the wishing scenario, I always first consider the number of wishes I have. If I have multiple wishes, I usually prioritize them in order to boil down what I really want in case I only have the option for one wish. These scenarios always involve a being or other sentient entity granting me such a wish, and not so much a "wishing on a shooting star" scenario. This way, I get instant feedback on whether my wish was accepted and how many wishes are left.

As for the actual wishes, the first wish I'd always attempt to make would be wishing for multiple wishes. I'd never say infinite wishes, because I feel that would be wasteful, but I usually think of some larger than needed number like 1,876 wishes, etc. If this wish is denied, then I'd move on to another wish. But if it was granted, I'd usually set up some sort of security system for wishing so that I wouldn't actually wish for something I didn't intend ("I wish you were never born!" type scenarios). These security systems usually involve some sort of complex gesture that I wouldn't do randomly.

As for wishes not involving wishes, I've put long thought into what my first wish is. The first wish I'd probably make (especially if it was my only wish) would be some sort of compact device (like an orb) that can answer any question I ask. I would limit the device, though, in such a way that it wouldn't give answers to questions that would "blow my mind" so to speak, i.e. "What's the meaning of life?", "Is there a God?", etc. In this way, with this device, I could almost fulfill any other wish I would have. For example, I could ask the device, "What would it be like to be a soldier in ancient Rome?", and the device would put me in a situation where I actually experienced the question rather than just giving me textual answers. This way, I could play around in history and whatnot without actually fucking things up. The device's other "security feature" would also include limiting use and knowledge of the device to myself so a 3rd party wouldn't be able to use it for nefarious purposes.

But think about the practicality of this device for a second. It encompasses many other wishes in one. You'd be able to read other people's minds ("What does so-and-so think about me?"). You could gain vast amounts of wealth ("Which numbers should I play in the lottery?"). And, if you don't mind the ethical dilemma, you could achieve true love ("Who is the love of my life?", "How do I get so-and-so to like me?"). If any of you do get the opportunity to get a wish granted, it would be in your best interest to wish for this. And when you do get it, make sure you throw some compensation my way ^_~

In addition to other possible wishing restrictions (like number, as noted before), I think about the scale of wishes the wish granting entity would allow. If the wish must be "realistic", so to speak, in that all things asked for must be physically possible (no superpowers, magical animals, etc.), then the ones I feel the most practical to me would be to either have all debts I have ever incurred and will incur be paid for instantly by some unseen force or have verbal and written fluency in all languages. The first one would be nice because it would mean that you wouldn't have to worry about money ever. Once you swipe that credit card, you don't owe a thing. The second one sounds amazing because you'd be able to communicate with ANYONE. The only thing I'd be worried about is my head exploding from all of that knowledge and the fact that learning languages is most of the fun of them.

Anyways, this is only part 1 (as noted above) of my views on wishes. I intend to do at least 2 more, one being just a list of things that I wish for (which I was originally going to make this post as), so be on the look out.

--Till then...

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Some More Bad Stuff: 2009

Because of you, 2009 seemed like only a month long. But it was a month filled with agony and despair. I'd not care about all of that if you still wanted to be friends. I'd not care if you acknowledged your hand in all of this.

--Till then...

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Why You're the Cause of Everything Bad

Right now, I'm depressed. I'm feeling like all I want to do is climb into bed and sleep. I know I have this whole quarter in front of me and a lot of wonderful opportunities coming up, but I'm severely depressed.

I feel like it's time for me to write my view on my whole depression situation. I know not many people will read this (and I know especially the person who should read this won't), but I feel I need someplace to write it. Someplace more permanent than in a journal.

This morning, I had a horrible dream. Not a nightmare, but a horrible dream. I make this distinction based on the content, as it was all rather realistic and not as much terrifying. In the dream, I went to your room to try and comfort you and make you feel better. But everything I said was contradicted and countered by you with words of despair and hopelessness. I kept persisting with hope and reason, but again and again, you'd resist, driving me into despair. All around me were people in my life, also contradicting me and being negative. I awoke and realized that this was all true. All of these things had happened. All of these things continue to happen. It was basically a summary of all of my feelings and emotions during the last year.

This is why I'm depressed. I tried my hardest to reach out, to push, to fight for you since it seemed that everyone had given up. I always remained hopeful throughout the process, but along the way, the constant rejection and contradiction of what I was doing wore me down. Every time I tried to get you to share things with me to ease your own burden. I still believe that depression -maybe even all of our own problems -can't be solved on our own, and the first step in that is vocalizing it to another person. But what was the response? Anger. Isolation. Rejection. You demonized me for helping. You made me feel worthless for trying to do something good. You drove me to the brink of despair with you silence. In essence, you killed me.

I tried to be the bigger person in the end (I hate that expression, but I can't think of anything to replace it with) and begged for forgiveness so that some small semblance of the friendship I cherished so much would remain. This, I believe, was a mistake. You, as you usually do and currently do, put the whole situation on me. Everything was my fault. You forgave me on the condition of staying out of things. Friendship without friendship. For a while, it went better than expected. I had fun for the first time in months. But whike this continued, with me keeping my end of the ultimatum you gave me, you still were displeased. What the fuck did I do then to make you not want to be in my company? As I recall from your words told to me by someone who actually cares about me, you claimed I was too "clingy", even though our encounters were brief. From that, I grew great disdain for you. I did what you asked, and you weren't satisfied.

You claimed several times that we weren't meant to be and that fate and other fictional cosmic forces were against "us". No, you were against us. But you weren't man enough to admit it, and instead, again, blamed others instead of looking at your own actions. You were scared of the thought of actually coming into meaningful contact with another human being.

But now, the thing that makes me most angry in all of this, the thing that every day hangs over my head as the epitome of poetic irony, you want a best friend. You want a fucking best friend, huh? What the fuck, asshole, do you think you had offered to you? What the fuck did I constantly tell you? Was all of the enjoyment you had when we were together a lie? Do you like hanging out with the people you do now who don't understand you at all and often are merely there out of greed or pity?

Well, at least I have real best friends. And lots of them. For best friends are those friends who know you best. Who you share your joys with. But more importantly, who you share your sorrows with. You'll never have a best friend. Because you can't forgive. We're all human, thus all friendships are bound to have other people make mistakes. Friends need to learn that one mistake made with good intentions should not be the end of something wonderful. For friendship is truly wonderful. Friends are not some perfect beings who we must idolize. That's a foolish trap you've fallen into, creating others into your own ideal of perfection to the point that you can't see their obvious faults and attempts to control you. Friendship is about equality. But when all your own desires are your only concern, friendship is utterly unobtainable.

Another thing that makes me equally as angry is that you knowingly put me in the exact same situation you yourself were put in. You fucking bastard, how can you fucking do something like that to someone? Now, because of you, I, like you, go throughout my life in a sense of despair, clinging to the few things in my life I have. Now, I have no focus or motivation for anything. How can you fucking sleep at night knowing you've put me here?

Too bad I was the only person willing to put up with your shit. Too bad you'll never read this, either. But on the off chance that you do read this, just know two things: 1.) Fuck you, asshole. Fuck you for putting me in this hell. And 2.) I'll always be here for you.

--Till then...

EDIT ADD: You have become so vapid lately. Every word that comes out of your mouth, a cry for attention, a feign of maturity, and a show that you have a life, when in truth, you don't. Your "happiness" is not real, and it's easy to see. Your words used to be full of meaning and inspired. But now they're cold, dead, and sterile. Get a grip and realize what you've become, how shallow your life is now.