I had this thought the other day that's kind of stuck with me. I just offered my own consciousness up to anyone willing to take over. I'll just fade away. Something else can just do this. All of this. Not like suicide or anything. Just being world-wearing and giving up.
Life recently has become so pointless and punctuated too far and in between with stressful, half-assed "vacations" and not enough time talking with friends. I feel like everything I do now is just as a form of relief from work. For example, I love watching movies so much. But after I watch a movie, it's like a crash from a big high I've been on when I face the reality of my day and responsibility. Any small pleasure I take in something is fleeting at best and depressing at worst when I juxtapose it to my harsh reality.
I guess that's why I'm starting to revert to my coping mechanism "auto-pilot" mode. In a way, I got my wish. I'm here, but not really. Every day is just so "blah" and there's not much to look forward to. Every day will be the same. I just got a small promotion at my job, but that'll just push me more into this blandness. And even my impending vacation seems pointless when I think of the fact that it will eventually end. I can only see myself coming out of "auto-pilot" when I'm actually going to be making my own decisions in my life instead of now where cruel circumstance is doing that for me.
It also doesn't help when the majority of my friends are 2,000 or more miles away.
I just wanted to give a shout out to my newest blog obsession: Spooning with a Schoolboy. She's having a give away now with a bunch of cool Japanese stuff on the table. Enter if you want, but make sure to READ the blog in general!!! It's getting me so excited and inspiring me to work harder to return to Japan.