Monday, June 8, 2009

In Charge Again

I am in charge of my own life. I make my life's decision. Everyone should try and live like this. But this does not mean that we should try to be alone. Spending time with people is the greatest thing we can do with our lives and I want to maximize my time with people as much as possible.

I do not want to return to my depression. But I will if certain things in my life continue on as they are now. I want to be even more in charge of my life than I am now. Let me. Give me that. Don't make me hold my breath. I want to move forward. I want to release regrets and make up for mistakes. Let me.

--Till then...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Still the Same

The clock said hi to me today when I checked in. It reminded me again what I am trying to ignore. Too bad it still exists and always will. That was one thing I enjoyed about the temporary loss of the use of my eyes. I stayed in place.

Now that I can see again, though, I enjoy what has been given to me a long time ago. But still, it won't satisfy like what was taken away from me so callously. Yes, I can live without it. Yes, I can live without what I have right now. Yes, the internal mainframe is sound and almost indestructible. But that doesn't mean much. If we're both here, then there is a grain I mill for you and a spice you provide for me. The grain nourishes and the spice provides a much needed, complex flavor.

If what was so callously taken away from me comes back, then I will be happier. If the removed article stays elusive forever, yes, I can reach happiness again, as I am happy now, but it will not be as much so. Maybe the grain I milled seemed far too course. And some of the spice you provided me was bitter beyond belief, as other customers complained as well. But that doesn't deny either's usefulness.

Clock, stop spinning. Spice bearer, return. Either way, I'm in the hallway, taking a nap. If you can find the door, wake me up if you want.

--Till then...