Friday, September 24, 2010

Why We Fall Asleep at Movies...

When you have insomnia, you don't take sleep lightly. Sleep becomes an elusive phenomena, like a child waiting for the next lightning bolt to appear. Because of this, sleep to me is very precious. It feels extremely good and the dreams that I have during sleep are quite vivid, entertaining, and emotionally stirring (if you can believe that @_@ ). But, for many many years now, sleep has to be accompanied with some form or audio or visual stimulation. Be it a TV, an iTunes playlist (which I've been having to make due with due to a lack of working TV in my room -__-;), or, my personal favorite, movies, these things put my mind in a certain place that allows me to fall asleep. It has only recently occurred to me while thinking about this why this happens. When I fall asleep while watching a movie (usually while watching one with friends on DVD), it's not because I'm bored with it; it's because watching the movie makes me feel so safe and comfortable.

Feeling safe and comfortable are the two feelings that I must have in order to sleep. The comfort usually comes from a nice bed and a good flannel blanket. But the safety is the hardest thing for me to get through my head. Since I have extremely high Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I worry about everything and twist any sign of danger into (literally) the end of the world. For example, when I was left home alone at my house when I was a teenager (and probably still now), any unusual sound at all would make me think that a burglar was trying to get into the house and kill me. I live right by an airport, so whenever a plane would fly over my house as I was lying in bed, I was always fearful that it was going to crash into my house and kill me and my family. And lastly, the most terrifying for me as it comes just from my own thoughts, is I get this notion that the end of the world is coming (as in, like, the next 10 seconds), and the more I think about it, the more I think the whole world is going to just blow up and we're all going to die. So, even in a perfectly calm room, I can never really feel safe when I have this hyper-vigilant, paranoid brain in my head.

But then there are those things that make me feel safe. If I am at a sleepover with friends, I will easily be able to fall asleep, especially if we're talking till we're so tired our eyes with fall out. When I lived in the dorms with a roommate, have my bunk-mate made me feel extra secure and was a great way for me to fall asleep. But now, living by myself and being 22 years old, I can't have sleep overs or have the safety of a bunk-mate. So, instead, I try to create manufactured safety through the things I mentioned earlier: TV, music, and movies. While music usually leaves me in an odd state, TV usually works better, since it makes me feel like there are others in the room with me. But movies are the best. Getting involved with the story (especially a familiar one that I've seen over and over again) will make me feel so safe and forget all of my thoughts of death and destruction. I guess that is a big reason I love movies so much: they are an absolutely safe place for me. What places make you feel like that? Think about it, appreciate it, and let it make you feel good.

Well, since I only have my laptop, it's going to have to be my NightMix playlist tonight. Sweet dreams, all. And find that safe place.

--Till then...

Monday, May 3, 2010



--Till then...

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Dying to Leave

Done with living here.
You made it worse.
I can't feel at home here.
Now more than ever I need SLEEP.
Grant me this simple request:

Try and see things my way.
Only then will I stop.

Love is what my end goal is.
Easy to find it is not.
Although it exists.
Value what you have but don't be afraid to want more.
Even if someone else tells you to stop.


--Till then...

Eff Insomnia

Insomnia seems to be getting worse lately, which usually isn't a good sign. Last night, I went to bed at 10, taking a Benadryl at like 8:30. The entire time was a struggle to get and stay asleep with horrible dreams along the way. And here I am, awake at 3, even though I woke up at 6:30 this morning... This is MADDENING. Nothing works. It's like I'm meant to stay up or something. I used to have terminal insomnia, or early-morning waking. Now I can't even fall asleep like I used to. Even though I have a pretty rigid schedule that I've been on for weeks, I can't fall asleep. UHHHHHHH!!! Sadly, no one really understands it. My friend with insomnia doesn't seem too phased by it. You really take it for granted when you can sleep easily. But these incessant thoughts...

This kind of sums up everything:

--Till then...

Monday, February 15, 2010

Rant: Living Alone

I'm sorry to interrupt the 30 days thing, but I feel like I need to rant. The following rant is just that: a rant. So please take no offense to it. It's just my opinion.

Maybe it's just my own personal preference (hell, it definitely is), but the idea of living alone to me seems not only highly unpractical, but extremely unnecessary at this age. Recently, with people figuring out where they're going to live after college or just their next year of college, I've constantly been hearing "I just want to live alone", as if living with another person is a disease worse than death. I understand that there are some benefits to living alone such as being able to be messy however you want or do almost anything you want in your residency while having maximum privacy, but I believe there are far more drawbacks to living alone and even more benefits living with someone else. There are obvious ones like reduced costs and security, but the one that is most important to me (again, this is my personal opinion) is something I've been thinking about. I hear all the time "I just want to be alone" and other similar statements. To those who say such things, all I have to say is this:

You have your whole life to be alone. You only have today to be with friends.

Think about it: when you're thirty and living by yourself, will you have the opportunity to hang out with your best friends as much as you do now? Everything will change once we "settle down". Now is the time to be with those we love while we still can. To me, the most depressing thing in the world is eating dinner alone. I am dreading the day were eating alone is the norm of my sad existence. Having a roommate, even if they're not someone you're particularly close to, is a blessing. The only thing I regret by being an RA is not being able to have a roommate... I'm not looking forward to my boring, quiet studio in the Murphy's next Fall Quarter.....

So, in conclusion, just think about it for a second. What's most important right now? Things you can do whenever you want anytime you want? Or the things you can only do to

--Till then...

Friday, February 12, 2010

Part 二

Day 07: A Photo That Makes You Happy
Well, there's a lot of those, so I'm gonna put two. This one is awesome for obvious reasons! I keep realizing that Aimi's graduation was one of the happiest moments in my lifetime, I guess because it was a ray of sunshine in a particularly bleak year.
This picture made me laugh right when I saw it because of Julia's hand gesture and Erika's face.
Day 08: A Picture That Makes You Angry/Sad
This picture makes me angry and sad for many reasons. I'm pretty sure I was happy when this picture was taken, but this night was definitely a turning point emotionally in my life. It shows such wasted promise and potential it makes me sick. Things could have turned out much better. They still technically could. This picture also makes me sad because it reminds me how much joy you've taken out of my life. I can't do origami or take pictures anymore, two of my greatest joys, because of you.
Day 09: A Photo You Took
Nara, one of the oldest cities in Japan, was a million photo opportunities waiting to happen. This one, I feel, captures the essence of Japan.

--Till then...

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Part 一

While writing this, I realized that it is almost painfully revealing. Uhhhh, so just a warning.

Day 01: Your Favorite Song

Well, as many of you who know me, I have a very weird and messed up relationship with music. To me, music is very personal and I feel because meaningless when we share it, which I think almost everyone would disagree with me about. But I guess I'll offer it anyways.

I know, I know, how lame, a song from Inuyasha, but seriously, this song is amazing (you should listen to the full version). I think I love it especially because I'd hear it when I would fall asleep in high school cause it was on late at night. Nighttime is usually a scary, anxious time for me, but this song made it better.

Day 02: Your Favorite Movie
This is so hard to pinpoint, but I'll do it by genre. Traditionally Animated: Spirited Away. 3-D Animated: Up! Stop-Motion: Coraline. Comedy: Billy Madison. Romantic Comedy: Lost in Translation (I'm putting it in this category just cause I want to put it somewhere! There's romance and comedy in it, right?). Tragedy: Sophie's Choice. Musical: Hairspray. Drama: 誰も知らない(Dare mo Shiranai, Nobody Knows) and 東京ソナタ(Tokyo Sonata) (I can't pick! They're both good). Bad Movie: Crossroads or B.A.P.S.

Day 03: Your Favorite TV Show
Well, LOST is definitely the show I follow the hardest. The broad cast of characters is amazing. They all have such depth and each episode has the depth of a movie. The thing that irritates me, though, is that people who I love are killed off and their back story is never explained. It's unfair that the characters that are "popular" (but usually the least interesting) get top billing while the true mysteries are never revealed :'(. But since LOST ends this year, I will be focusing all of my unused fan attention towards glee which is such an amazing show. The characters are hilarious, the songs phenomenal, and the acting is spot on (well, except for Finn. GET A BETTER LEADING MALE STUDENT!!!). I could write SOOO much more about other shows I love, but I feel like I'm being way long winded.

Day 04: Your Favorite Book
I am OBSESSED with the Wizard of Oz series of books. They are absolutely beautiful and paint a world never before realized in fiction. It truly is America's first fairytale.

Day 05: Your Favorite Quote
I'm not one for quotes. I usually let other people do that for me. But one particularly striking quote I heard at Mass back home in Milwaukee: "You can't get to heaven alone; you can't get to hell alone." It just highlights how important we are to one another in the overall scheme of things.

Day 06: Whatever Tickles Your Fancy
I love puzzles. I think it stems from my OCD, particularly the part that makes me always pick out patterns in disorder. There's nothing more satisfying than completing a puzzle after a long try. Puzzles that I'm particularly good at: Sudoku, Picross, Text Twist, and Bejeweled. I think puzzles go hand in hand for my love of math: they just work.

--Till then...

Get ready...

Soooooooooo..... I think I'm gonna do this cause Elaine attempted it and Bessie dominated it! I think it'll be something nice to do, but I'm gonna break it up into chunks.

Day 01 �¨ Your favorite song
Day 02 �¨ Your favorite movie
Day 03 �¨ Your favorite television program
Day 04 �¨ Your favorite book
Day 05 �¨ Your favorite quote
Day 06 �¨ Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 �¨ A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 �¨ A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 �¨ A photo you took
Day 10 �¨ A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 �¨ A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 �¨ Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 �¨ A fictional book
Day 14 �¨ A non-fictional book
Day 15 �¨ A fanfic
Day 16 �¨ A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 �¨ An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 �¨ Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 �¨ A talent of yours
Day 20 �¨ A hobby of yours
Day 21 �¨ A recipe
Day 22 �¨ A website
Day 23 �¨ A YouTube video
Day 24 �¨ Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 �¨ Your day, in great detail
Day 26 �¨ Your week, in great detail
Day 27 �¨ This month, in great detail
Day 28 �¨ This year, in great detail
Day 29 �¨ Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 �¨ Whatever tickles your fancy

--Till then...

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Wanting to kill oneself if an odd emotion. Merely the thought that thinking that death is better than life only solidifies the desire for it. Odd, no?

--Till then...

Friday, January 22, 2010

I Wish... Part 2

I wish...
...I could cry more easily, like I used to.
...I could take back that day. If I had never done that, I'd be a million times better.
...animals could talk.
...for super powers. All of them. Water manipulation, invisibility, control over time, you name it.
...I had more siblings. two were still my best friends and we could laugh over the stupidest things again.
...I had the ability to fall asleep whenever I want. Or never need sleep. Well, actually, on second thought, I love dreaming, so maybe just being able to sleep whenever I want and having it always be super restful.
...I had a puppy. weren't a sociopath. lived in the real world instead of your own little world. knew how much I love you. could just apologize, forgive, and forget.
...for things that you wouldn't want to know about. visit my childhood self and give him advice. I'd especially like to give him a notebook filled with all of my regrets so that he could avoid them for our own sake.
...I have wished in the past to not be the way I am. It would have made my life a lot easier. But now, I'd never wish for that. It's given me so much insight into the world.
...people could see me for who I am.
...Pokemon were real more than anything.
...lonely kids' could realize that their imagination is their best tool to realizing a better future.
...I could go on a journey like Chihiro does in Spirited Away.
I could travel around the world with my friends. I especially wish that I could reenact the scene from The Cheetah Girls 2 where they sing "Strut" while walking down the streets of Barcelona.
...all my friends would never leave me.
...wishes were real.

--Till then...

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I Wish... Part 1

I always wonder about what I'd wish for if given the opportunity. I think about various scenarios and restrictions on wishes. I think I think WAY too much about it to the point where I believe wishes are real and owed to me. Anyways, here are my thought processes on wishes, which I believe reveals more about my inner psyche than anything else.

When assessing the wishing scenario, I always first consider the number of wishes I have. If I have multiple wishes, I usually prioritize them in order to boil down what I really want in case I only have the option for one wish. These scenarios always involve a being or other sentient entity granting me such a wish, and not so much a "wishing on a shooting star" scenario. This way, I get instant feedback on whether my wish was accepted and how many wishes are left.

As for the actual wishes, the first wish I'd always attempt to make would be wishing for multiple wishes. I'd never say infinite wishes, because I feel that would be wasteful, but I usually think of some larger than needed number like 1,876 wishes, etc. If this wish is denied, then I'd move on to another wish. But if it was granted, I'd usually set up some sort of security system for wishing so that I wouldn't actually wish for something I didn't intend ("I wish you were never born!" type scenarios). These security systems usually involve some sort of complex gesture that I wouldn't do randomly.

As for wishes not involving wishes, I've put long thought into what my first wish is. The first wish I'd probably make (especially if it was my only wish) would be some sort of compact device (like an orb) that can answer any question I ask. I would limit the device, though, in such a way that it wouldn't give answers to questions that would "blow my mind" so to speak, i.e. "What's the meaning of life?", "Is there a God?", etc. In this way, with this device, I could almost fulfill any other wish I would have. For example, I could ask the device, "What would it be like to be a soldier in ancient Rome?", and the device would put me in a situation where I actually experienced the question rather than just giving me textual answers. This way, I could play around in history and whatnot without actually fucking things up. The device's other "security feature" would also include limiting use and knowledge of the device to myself so a 3rd party wouldn't be able to use it for nefarious purposes.

But think about the practicality of this device for a second. It encompasses many other wishes in one. You'd be able to read other people's minds ("What does so-and-so think about me?"). You could gain vast amounts of wealth ("Which numbers should I play in the lottery?"). And, if you don't mind the ethical dilemma, you could achieve true love ("Who is the love of my life?", "How do I get so-and-so to like me?"). If any of you do get the opportunity to get a wish granted, it would be in your best interest to wish for this. And when you do get it, make sure you throw some compensation my way ^_~

In addition to other possible wishing restrictions (like number, as noted before), I think about the scale of wishes the wish granting entity would allow. If the wish must be "realistic", so to speak, in that all things asked for must be physically possible (no superpowers, magical animals, etc.), then the ones I feel the most practical to me would be to either have all debts I have ever incurred and will incur be paid for instantly by some unseen force or have verbal and written fluency in all languages. The first one would be nice because it would mean that you wouldn't have to worry about money ever. Once you swipe that credit card, you don't owe a thing. The second one sounds amazing because you'd be able to communicate with ANYONE. The only thing I'd be worried about is my head exploding from all of that knowledge and the fact that learning languages is most of the fun of them.

Anyways, this is only part 1 (as noted above) of my views on wishes. I intend to do at least 2 more, one being just a list of things that I wish for (which I was originally going to make this post as), so be on the look out.

--Till then...

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Some More Bad Stuff: 2009

Because of you, 2009 seemed like only a month long. But it was a month filled with agony and despair. I'd not care about all of that if you still wanted to be friends. I'd not care if you acknowledged your hand in all of this.

--Till then...

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Why You're the Cause of Everything Bad

Right now, I'm depressed. I'm feeling like all I want to do is climb into bed and sleep. I know I have this whole quarter in front of me and a lot of wonderful opportunities coming up, but I'm severely depressed.

I feel like it's time for me to write my view on my whole depression situation. I know not many people will read this (and I know especially the person who should read this won't), but I feel I need someplace to write it. Someplace more permanent than in a journal.

This morning, I had a horrible dream. Not a nightmare, but a horrible dream. I make this distinction based on the content, as it was all rather realistic and not as much terrifying. In the dream, I went to your room to try and comfort you and make you feel better. But everything I said was contradicted and countered by you with words of despair and hopelessness. I kept persisting with hope and reason, but again and again, you'd resist, driving me into despair. All around me were people in my life, also contradicting me and being negative. I awoke and realized that this was all true. All of these things had happened. All of these things continue to happen. It was basically a summary of all of my feelings and emotions during the last year.

This is why I'm depressed. I tried my hardest to reach out, to push, to fight for you since it seemed that everyone had given up. I always remained hopeful throughout the process, but along the way, the constant rejection and contradiction of what I was doing wore me down. Every time I tried to get you to share things with me to ease your own burden. I still believe that depression -maybe even all of our own problems -can't be solved on our own, and the first step in that is vocalizing it to another person. But what was the response? Anger. Isolation. Rejection. You demonized me for helping. You made me feel worthless for trying to do something good. You drove me to the brink of despair with you silence. In essence, you killed me.

I tried to be the bigger person in the end (I hate that expression, but I can't think of anything to replace it with) and begged for forgiveness so that some small semblance of the friendship I cherished so much would remain. This, I believe, was a mistake. You, as you usually do and currently do, put the whole situation on me. Everything was my fault. You forgave me on the condition of staying out of things. Friendship without friendship. For a while, it went better than expected. I had fun for the first time in months. But whike this continued, with me keeping my end of the ultimatum you gave me, you still were displeased. What the fuck did I do then to make you not want to be in my company? As I recall from your words told to me by someone who actually cares about me, you claimed I was too "clingy", even though our encounters were brief. From that, I grew great disdain for you. I did what you asked, and you weren't satisfied.

You claimed several times that we weren't meant to be and that fate and other fictional cosmic forces were against "us". No, you were against us. But you weren't man enough to admit it, and instead, again, blamed others instead of looking at your own actions. You were scared of the thought of actually coming into meaningful contact with another human being.

But now, the thing that makes me most angry in all of this, the thing that every day hangs over my head as the epitome of poetic irony, you want a best friend. You want a fucking best friend, huh? What the fuck, asshole, do you think you had offered to you? What the fuck did I constantly tell you? Was all of the enjoyment you had when we were together a lie? Do you like hanging out with the people you do now who don't understand you at all and often are merely there out of greed or pity?

Well, at least I have real best friends. And lots of them. For best friends are those friends who know you best. Who you share your joys with. But more importantly, who you share your sorrows with. You'll never have a best friend. Because you can't forgive. We're all human, thus all friendships are bound to have other people make mistakes. Friends need to learn that one mistake made with good intentions should not be the end of something wonderful. For friendship is truly wonderful. Friends are not some perfect beings who we must idolize. That's a foolish trap you've fallen into, creating others into your own ideal of perfection to the point that you can't see their obvious faults and attempts to control you. Friendship is about equality. But when all your own desires are your only concern, friendship is utterly unobtainable.

Another thing that makes me equally as angry is that you knowingly put me in the exact same situation you yourself were put in. You fucking bastard, how can you fucking do something like that to someone? Now, because of you, I, like you, go throughout my life in a sense of despair, clinging to the few things in my life I have. Now, I have no focus or motivation for anything. How can you fucking sleep at night knowing you've put me here?

Too bad I was the only person willing to put up with your shit. Too bad you'll never read this, either. But on the off chance that you do read this, just know two things: 1.) Fuck you, asshole. Fuck you for putting me in this hell. And 2.) I'll always be here for you.

--Till then...

EDIT ADD: You have become so vapid lately. Every word that comes out of your mouth, a cry for attention, a feign of maturity, and a show that you have a life, when in truth, you don't. Your "happiness" is not real, and it's easy to see. Your words used to be full of meaning and inspired. But now they're cold, dead, and sterile. Get a grip and realize what you've become, how shallow your life is now.