Sunday, January 3, 2010

Why You're the Cause of Everything Bad

Right now, I'm depressed. I'm feeling like all I want to do is climb into bed and sleep. I know I have this whole quarter in front of me and a lot of wonderful opportunities coming up, but I'm severely depressed.

I feel like it's time for me to write my view on my whole depression situation. I know not many people will read this (and I know especially the person who should read this won't), but I feel I need someplace to write it. Someplace more permanent than in a journal.

This morning, I had a horrible dream. Not a nightmare, but a horrible dream. I make this distinction based on the content, as it was all rather realistic and not as much terrifying. In the dream, I went to your room to try and comfort you and make you feel better. But everything I said was contradicted and countered by you with words of despair and hopelessness. I kept persisting with hope and reason, but again and again, you'd resist, driving me into despair. All around me were people in my life, also contradicting me and being negative. I awoke and realized that this was all true. All of these things had happened. All of these things continue to happen. It was basically a summary of all of my feelings and emotions during the last year.

This is why I'm depressed. I tried my hardest to reach out, to push, to fight for you since it seemed that everyone had given up. I always remained hopeful throughout the process, but along the way, the constant rejection and contradiction of what I was doing wore me down. Every time I tried to get you to share things with me to ease your own burden. I still believe that depression -maybe even all of our own problems -can't be solved on our own, and the first step in that is vocalizing it to another person. But what was the response? Anger. Isolation. Rejection. You demonized me for helping. You made me feel worthless for trying to do something good. You drove me to the brink of despair with you silence. In essence, you killed me.

I tried to be the bigger person in the end (I hate that expression, but I can't think of anything to replace it with) and begged for forgiveness so that some small semblance of the friendship I cherished so much would remain. This, I believe, was a mistake. You, as you usually do and currently do, put the whole situation on me. Everything was my fault. You forgave me on the condition of staying out of things. Friendship without friendship. For a while, it went better than expected. I had fun for the first time in months. But whike this continued, with me keeping my end of the ultimatum you gave me, you still were displeased. What the fuck did I do then to make you not want to be in my company? As I recall from your words told to me by someone who actually cares about me, you claimed I was too "clingy", even though our encounters were brief. From that, I grew great disdain for you. I did what you asked, and you weren't satisfied.

You claimed several times that we weren't meant to be and that fate and other fictional cosmic forces were against "us". No, you were against us. But you weren't man enough to admit it, and instead, again, blamed others instead of looking at your own actions. You were scared of the thought of actually coming into meaningful contact with another human being.

But now, the thing that makes me most angry in all of this, the thing that every day hangs over my head as the epitome of poetic irony, you want a best friend. You want a fucking best friend, huh? What the fuck, asshole, do you think you had offered to you? What the fuck did I constantly tell you? Was all of the enjoyment you had when we were together a lie? Do you like hanging out with the people you do now who don't understand you at all and often are merely there out of greed or pity?

Well, at least I have real best friends. And lots of them. For best friends are those friends who know you best. Who you share your joys with. But more importantly, who you share your sorrows with. You'll never have a best friend. Because you can't forgive. We're all human, thus all friendships are bound to have other people make mistakes. Friends need to learn that one mistake made with good intentions should not be the end of something wonderful. For friendship is truly wonderful. Friends are not some perfect beings who we must idolize. That's a foolish trap you've fallen into, creating others into your own ideal of perfection to the point that you can't see their obvious faults and attempts to control you. Friendship is about equality. But when all your own desires are your only concern, friendship is utterly unobtainable.

Another thing that makes me equally as angry is that you knowingly put me in the exact same situation you yourself were put in. You fucking bastard, how can you fucking do something like that to someone? Now, because of you, I, like you, go throughout my life in a sense of despair, clinging to the few things in my life I have. Now, I have no focus or motivation for anything. How can you fucking sleep at night knowing you've put me here?

Too bad I was the only person willing to put up with your shit. Too bad you'll never read this, either. But on the off chance that you do read this, just know two things: 1.) Fuck you, asshole. Fuck you for putting me in this hell. And 2.) I'll always be here for you.

--Till then...

EDIT ADD: You have become so vapid lately. Every word that comes out of your mouth, a cry for attention, a feign of maturity, and a show that you have a life, when in truth, you don't. Your "happiness" is not real, and it's easy to see. Your words used to be full of meaning and inspired. But now they're cold, dead, and sterile. Get a grip and realize what you've become, how shallow your life is now.


lehdev said...

i'll always be here for you, anthony. i hope you know that.

OrangeXenon said...

I do....

I'm realizing now how important this blog is for me. Reading these things I've written has given me tons of courage that I thought I'd never have.