Some Thoughts

The sound of the Skype ringer makes me happy. It reminds me of when people would call me in Japan.

I love the zoo so much. The zoo will never get old to me.

When I am in Pacific Place, I have this horrible feeling that I'm going to fall off the balcony.

Lately I've found most modern comedy movies forced and just not that funny. Friends, on the other hand, will always make me laugh.

Sometimes I fall asleep in my bed here, and when I wake up I think that I'm back home.

I have reoccurring nightmares about high school. The main theme is retaking my Senior physics class or being late to class.

I really like the way my hair looks when I first wake up. But it usually goes back to its horribly frizzy state throughout the day.

I get excited at the thought of eating at side of the road diners that look they've been there since WWII.

I think it's really sad that we have thoughts like these and other thoughts that we can't share with anyone.

--Till then...

Worse... Much Worse....

I am much much worse. I am in a deep pit. Only one thing can save me, but I don't think that it will happen. I can't see the light. I just want to stay away. I just need to stop for a while. I am nothing. I am worth nothing. Everything I touch is ruined. Everything falls apart when I am there. I am not worth saving. In any reality.

--Till then...

Better

I'm doing a lot better nowadays. I've realized to look on the good (which there is a LOT of in my life :-D) and realize that it is unreasonable to think that I will be happy and things will go my own way all the time. A lot of my unhappiness has mainly stemmed from my own selfishness. I realized that I have trouble accepting not being first all the time. And that's not fair, to anyone.

What has made me better (which I recommend that EVERYONE do) is talking. Talking about everything. Telling someone you trust some of your darkest secrets and, more importantly, your greatest longings. Follow your emotions and connect with people, and you will feel less alone and more grounded in the good of the world. It will take a lot to shake you from that.

This needs to be done by everyone. I want everyone who reads this to try doing what I said, face-to-face, with someone they care about and trust. I know in my life right now, there is someone who could benefit greatly from doing this. While I don't normally like using someone else's words to say what I want to say, I want to offer these lyrics from my favorite song in the world, "Come" by Namie Amuro, to that person:

もし今悲しみ溢れるなら、
私に凭れて泣いていいから。

If, now, your sadness is overflowing,
It's OK if you lean on me and cry.

気づいてあなたはこの世界で、
ただ一人だけの大切な人。

I'll let you translate this on your own...

もう瞳閉じて

Close your eyes.

もう眠ればいい

It's OK if you fall asleep.

So come my way.

--Till then...

And the Results are In!!!

Let me start off by first saying that I feel hollow right now. I feel kind of just stuck in time with no purpose. I just got finished watching a bunch of Japanese music videos on YouTube, but now I feel like doing nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Anyways, here are the results of my goals that I set for myself for Spring Break:

1.) Didn't even play it or put it in my PS2.... Sad. There's still a possibility for tonight, but I doubt it. Although I know once I start playing, I won't be able to stop.
2.) I remembered half-way into the week that I left the book in Milwaukee. Wow, I'm dumb.
3.) This one I did accomplish!!! I think I'm a LOT better than before, which is nice.
4.) Well, I went Monday and Tuesday, but nothing after that. I'm still pretty proud of myself for going two days in a row, though. Also, when I went, it said that I had lost 4 pounds from the last time that I had been in the gym (sometime in early February), which is bizarre because both Las Vegas (where I did nothing but eat) and Finals Week (which is when I ate a lot and a lot of not so good food) were in between that time. I guess that's a good thing. But I did a TON of walking on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday so I think I was active enough over break, which was the real intent of this goal.
5.) Well, I think I did well with this one. I'm a whole hell of a lot less depressed after talking to Julia *OK, quick tangent time, I just thought today was Friday. Wow. I am dumb...* on Skype for hours. It was so liberating to talk to her and remember how good of a friend she is even though we are separated by thousands and thousands of miles. We talked mainly about the thing that has been the focus of all my thoughts for the past month, which was REALLY needed. I now think more positively about that subject, though it is still hard. As far as being less of a douchebag, I worked on it. I helped my friends move, tried being more generous, and stopped whining so much. It was nice, though, because I think it paid itself in spades for doing all of those things. Thanks guys ~^_^~

So, in the end, I took care of the goals that I think were the most important. I knew this break was not going to be long at all with work every day and whatnot, but I think I used my time as best as I could. I was especially glad that I got to hang out with Janie and develop a stronger friendship with her. I even got to meet her mom! How cool is that???

Well, I now have RA stuff to do.... I really got shafted this break with how many more duty shifts that I got put on than everyone else on staff. I am totally going to even out the playing field this quarter and make sure lazy people on staff actually do their fair share of the work. FUCK YOU, YOU KNOW WHO. Oh, and I also have to finish our door decorations, which consist of amazing origami pieces that Janie and Philip made!!!! Let me just say this now: I am ECSTATIC that the two of them are moving onto MY floor!!!! They are SUCH amazing people and now we can hang out even more!!!!!

Hmmm.... Maybe my life doesn't suck so much after all? Blogging truly is therapeutic.

--Till then...

Paradox Week and Goals

This week has been the weirdest week of my life. It has been a week where I've felt the most joyous and felt the most worthless (probably with more emphasis on the worthless). I've proved myself to myself while letting down the people I care about. I found something to work towards for the rest of my life and cried for the first time in a year over it, yet still want to pursue it. I've been with people almost every hour of each day this week, yet I've never felt so lonely. But it's over. And I have no clue where to go from here or if it will go the way I want it to. It both scares and thrills me.

I now have a week to myself (for the most part) and I want to set some goals for myself, even though I'll be busy still.

1.) Beat Persona 3 and start Persona 4.
2.) Finish Brave Story and maybe restart Goblet of Fire.
3.) Get better at Super Smash Bros.: Brawl so that I can have something to show for all the time I put into it..... and so that I can kick Philip's ass ^_~
4.) Go to the gym every day (let's see if I can actually do this....).
5.) Be less depressed/less of a douche.

Think I can do it??? I hope so. I'll also try to blog each day. But if I promise that, I don't think I will do it.

--Till then...

The Flame

A man was walking in the woods, lost from the rest of his party. He had been wandering the seemingly infinite forest for 21 hours now, looking for some sort of help. When he was first separated, he was happy, enjoying the beautiful world around him, but after the 13th hour, he realized he was cold and unresponsive to all but that which would sustain him. It felt like he had been wandering in circles the entire time, not making any progress towards rescue. He returned to a spot that he had found recently. It was a peaceful spot that seemed undisturbed by the predators that prowled at night. He had earlier deemed it a resting place in case he was unable to find rescue. But as he was walking up to it, the lost soul noticed a faint light. He drew closer to this mysterious light and felt the warmth he had needed for so long. As the source of light came into view, he saw a humble campfire, burning wildly in the dark night. Why hadn’t he noticed it before? Closer and closer he came to it, seeking its warmth. The initial heat he felt stung his chapped, frozen skin. But slowly, his body got used to the newfound source of life, bringing him back from near-death. The more warmth he felt, the more warmth he wanted, so he drew closer. He was now just on the cusp of the flames, but he didn’t care. He went forward. His skin began to burn, but he continued. On and on he went, and his entire body became consumed in flames. Unbearable pain shot across his entire body, but, for whatever reason, he knew it was worth it. Finally, at the center of the blaze, the burning finally stopped, and the man was one with the flame. He looked at his new state, shining brightly as the full moon. The flame and him now provided light to the entire world that was covered in darkness. And he was happy.

--Till then...

Cleaning

Recently, I've undertaken the task of cleaning my room again. Now, some people may know me as a very messy person, but I actually really like cleaning, if I have the time. My room was very clean at the beginning of the school year. So much so that I was very proud of it, actually. But, then Jade and I worked on our door decorations for our floor as well as our humongous, one-piece (meaning we took one big piece of paper that was the same size as our bulletin board, and just glued everything to it) bulletin board in my room for like three days in a row for countless hours. My room didn't recover for weeks: there was paper EVERYWHERE!!! But, in time, I cleaned it. Then, I don't remember why, it got really messy again. I cleaned it again, right before my parents came for Thanksgiving. It was fine for a week or so, but then Jade and I stuffed these stockings my mom made for everyone on my floor (which we never ended up giving out.... Sad, all that work for nothing...), and my floor was littered with pieces of packaging from the stuff we stuffed them with as well as all of these stockings just in the middle of the floor. It was gross... I felt like I was gonna clean it before I went home for break, but because my weekend before leaving was so busy, I never got around to it, so I left with a really really really gross room. It was so gross, I thought that something was gonna grow in it over break. When I came back, nothing had grown, but it was still gross. So, my room has been like that the rest of the quarter up until yesterday. I'm really proud of myself!!! I'm probably 2/3 there: almost everything is sorted and thrown away, but I just need to vacuum (REALLY BAD), clean my wash my bed sheets again, and I want to rearrange my room. I've wanted to rearrange my room for a long time now. It's just not working for me now. But once I get it cleaned, I feel like I can finally have people over again, because I do have lots of space and chairs for entertaining. If only I had a couch.....

But, for all of you who remember my room Freshmen year, was it really that bad? I personally don't think I was the messy one in the room, if you know what I mean. I thought it was really fun having people over to play Mario Party or watch movies/TV shows. Sophomore year, though, my room was DISGUSTING, and that was all my fault, I admit. I think it was just because I felt no sense of attachment to it because I was going abroad and everyone else's room was so much cooler.

Does anyone have any fun cleaning stories/quirks? Any tips? Any motivational words for me???

--Till then...