Ambulatory Coma

I had this thought the other day that's kind of stuck with me. I just offered my own consciousness up to anyone willing to take over. I'll just fade away. Something else can just do this. All of this. Not like suicide or anything. Just being world-wearing and giving up.

Life recently has become so pointless and punctuated too far and in between with stressful, half-assed "vacations" and not enough time talking with friends. I feel like everything I do now is just as a form of relief from work. For example, I love watching movies so much. But after I watch a movie, it's like a crash from a big high I've been on when I face the reality of my day and responsibility. Any small pleasure I take in something is fleeting at best and depressing at worst when I juxtapose it to my harsh reality.

I guess that's why I'm starting to revert to my coping mechanism "auto-pilot" mode. In a way, I got my wish. I'm here, but not really. Every day is just so "blah" and there's not much to look forward to. Every day will be the same. I just got a small promotion at my job, but that'll just push me more into this blandness. And even my impending vacation seems pointless when I think of the fact that it will eventually end. I can only see myself coming out of "auto-pilot" when I'm actually going to be making my own decisions in my life instead of now where cruel circumstance is doing that for me.

It also doesn't help when the majority of my friends are 2,000 or more miles away.

Help me out of my own life.

--Till then...

Home

Every time I say "I want to go home" to myself, I keep thinking about Japan.... WTF?

--Till then...

Shout OUT!!!

I just wanted to give a shout out to my newest blog obsession: Spooning with a Schoolboy. She's having a give away now with a bunch of cool Japanese stuff on the table. Enter if you want, but make sure to READ the blog in general!!! It's getting me so excited and inspiring me to work harder to return to Japan.

Here's a link to the give away post: http://www.carolinejosephine.com/2011/05/150-followers-give-away.html

--Till then...

Stella

I'm writing this now as I prepare to go visit her for the last time. I've been going back and forth on whether or not I would go with the rest of the family to put her down. The part of me that wants to go wants to say goodbye one last time, touch her fur, and give her a kiss. The part of me that doesn't want to go doesn't know if I can handle it or not. I don't know if I can have that image in my head. Plus, I've been crying all day. I'll just cry at random songs that I'm listening to, thinking about her. But I've finally made up my mind, I'm going to go, even though it'll be really hard.

I guess I'll first go over what happened. Starting on Friday, April 8th, she developed a bad cough. She normally gets a cough every year, due to allergies, but this time, it was much worse. We took her to the vet as per usual, but on Saturday night, she got worse, barely able to breath. When we got to the animal ER, we didn't know what to expect. On the way there, we though she was fine, and at one point, considered heading home. But the closer we got, the more serious it looked, with her tongue turning pale. After the doctor's first look at her, she thought it would be possible that her lungs were filled with blood, and that that was it. But then, after a more conclusive look, it looked like she was stable, but her blood count was low and her trachea was collapsed. We left the hospital relieved and hopeful. My parents went to visit her the next day, and they said she looked good, tried to wag her tail, but was a bit weak from the ordeal. The day after that, I visited her with my mom. She hadn't eat since Thursday, still, and she kept coughing while we were there. We took her outside to see if she'd go to the bathroom, but she would just lay down on the grass. A glimmer of hope appeared when she would lay on her side, wanting us to rub her tummy. She does this every time she basks in the sun. When we left, we were hopeful, thinking she just needed time to recover her strength. But today, my mom came home in tears having gotten a call from the hospital, saying that she wasn't improving. She had deliberated, and decided that putting her to sleep would be the best option. I felt like I had been hit by a car. It has been such a roller coaster of hope and despair. I thought we were out of the woods, but now it looks to be the exact opposite. Throughout all of this, Stella's suffering is just what gets to me most. She's 11 year old, but she was expected to live much longer. She had never had any serious health problems before this. It's all so sudden. I can't believe it's ending like this. I'm still holding out hope against hope that we'll get to the hospital and she'll be all better. But I have to dissuade myself of this thinking. But I want to end on a happy note. So I'm going to talk about the good times and celebrate Stella's impactful life.

Our family first got Stella on May 1st, 2000, when I was in 6th grade. She was only 8 weeks old (she was born on March 3rd, 2000): the cutest -and sassiest -puppy you've ever seen. When we first brought her home, she was very naughty. She'd bite your socks as you were walking and gnaw on furniture. She would also bark whenever we would eat, wanting some of our food. But after she got spayed, she began to settle down. I remember when she got the surgery, too. The stitches on her belly were hot pink. Throughout the years, she'd grow on us more and more. What I think I'd remember most about her was that if you were sick, she'd be super sweet to you and cuddle up with you. Her fur is so soft. And the noises she makes are so cute. She can instantly cheer up your day just by laying with her. I love you Stella. I always will. There will never be another one like you. You will be remembered for as long as I live and then some. You have left this word far too soon. We love you.

--Till then...

To Like

For a long time now, I've firmly believed that the root of all conflicts comes from liking and not liking things and others' opinions on the matter. While at first, it starts off as mere childish stupidity, it generally leads to discrimination, and even genocide. This may be a far leap, but let me walk you through a lifetime of likes.

For little kids, things are easy and they're friends with everyone because they are just emerging in the world. They don't see differences between people and mostly spend their time happily playing with one another.

But then, as they get older and spend more time away from their friends, they start developing their own interests. New likes come along, and, with that, new hatred towards those likes. How many times did you hear, growing up, something to the effect of "Ewww, you like that [TV show, movie, boy, girl, singer, video game, pastime, sport, etc]. You're stupid!" How many times have you said it yourself? Unless you liked the things everyone else liked (or, more appropriately the things that the kid in "power" liked), you were ostracized. I remember a particularly scarring incident where I confessed to one of my classmates in 7th grade that I bought the new Pokemon Silver game. He was shocked. "You still like Pokemon? What is wrong with you?!" From then on, since I was the new kid, I never offered up anything that I truly liked. Even though I spent much of my free time playing video games with my friends, I never brought up the subject of video games or any thing I actually liked at my school (where I didn't really have any true friends) for fear of criticism. Whenever I went out with anyone from school, I painstakingly kept up a facade of things that they liked just to please them. Looking back, while it made me popular, it was pretty fucking stupid.

Next we get to high school. I could write a fucking book on how any interest you have at all in high school will get trampled under the social order for no reason at all. But there are two particular things in high school that overwhelmingly irked me. First, among boys, the knowledge of what you like with be used to taunt you in the most vile way. "You like that song? You must be a fag!" "You don't like football?! You're a queer." "You homo, I can't believe you watch that show." Any deviation from typically "masculine" interests results in instant branding as a homosexual, whether true or not. And the inevitable reaction of those taunted in such a manner is to do something "so totally not gay" in order to be accepted back in the social graces.

The second, and by far the most idiotic in my opinion, is the high school mentality surrounding music. I've mentioned a couple of times already on how music will label you "cool" or not. Since when (and, more importantly, why) does the type of music you listen to determine what kind of person you are? Growing up, I didn't really listen to music for this exact reason. The only thing I saw music (and I'm talking about popular music. CD's, concerts, the radio, etc.) as was a tool for others to berate and control you.

And the insanity doesn't stop in high school. It continues on into infinity. College may be even worse than high school in this regard. And, the craziest thing, people's musical interests fluctuate in an instant. One song may be deemed "hip" and "cool" one day and "lame" and "over-played" the next. I'd like to say people are smart and rational enough to realize this neanderthalic social institution's hypocrisy, but, sadly, no.

It's then obvious to see how conflicts arise over different ideology. This faction likes this leader while the other faction likes this leader. This race likes this physical feature, therefore this race is less-than. etc.

I honestly could forgive all of it if people just realized what they were doing. Going to a university who's central theme is "social justice" and doing what "right", I've never seen more discrimination due to what one likes. While they'll quickly point out that they don't "judge" others' actions (and doing as such is seen as the lowest thing you can do), they'll just as quickly judge you for your fashion taste, your choice in music, and the way you spend your free time. In my opinion, it is much more appropriate to judge someone based on their actions rather than their likes.

I hope that you can see through the bitterness and actually get to the point I was trying to make. Even though this needed to be said, I don't think I said it very well. Oh well, at least I liked writing it. Just don't judge me for it.

--Till then...

Stuck in a Rut

I've finally given into the fact that this is the closest thing I'll ever have to a diary/journal. This place is pretty obscure and probably no one reads this anymore, but I like that fact that if someone wanted to find this and read about it, they could. I guess that's why I don't like writing in a personal notebook anymore. The only thing is, each thing I post here has to fall into some sort of "theme", but oh well, on with the show!!!

So, I have been at my new job as a reservations agent now for almost two months now. Some might see this as an accomplishment, especially in this job market. I just see it as hopelessly depressing (but not in my old, depressed state way. More in a fed up, pathetic way). I look at a lot of the people around me at work. To them, this is it. I've talked to some people who have been with the company for many years, and they're still in the same position as when they started. The pay scales are published for all employees to see, and they are not pretty. Most of these people have a family to support. I have absolutely no clue how they get by. If I had to come back to this job day after day after day, I would honestly go insane. And there in lies my big fear: that I'll be stuck in this job for the rest of my life, unable to find anything better. I've had this fear before, except the setting was Walgreens. That was brought on by similar sad realizations. Seeing people my age, graduating high school, refusing college offers in favor of working in a never-ending shit-hole. What separates myself from them? Everyone has dreams, right? How would you not do everything in your power to make those happen when the alternative is serving crabby assholes for the rest of your life while you live in eternal squalor?

Well, now I feel like if I don't catch a break soon, I'm gonna break. I have two upcoming opportunities. I'm applying to be a flight attendant, which will make me twice as much money as I am now. I also finished writing my essays for the second round of the Foreign Service Officer selection. But both of these possible breaks are somewhat precarious. There might be a snafu with being currently employed by the same company and applying for another job within the company. And as for the Foreign Services, my essays are probably for shit compared to everyone else. I feel that if I can at least make it to the next part, the group interview, I'll be much better at that. But I highly doubt it.

Till then or beyond, I'm working 2nd shift, which I thought I'd love. But instead, I'm just tired all the time instead of just in the mornings. Somebody dig me out.

--Till then...

Why We Fall Asleep at Movies...

When you have insomnia, you don't take sleep lightly. Sleep becomes an elusive phenomena, like a child waiting for the next lightning bolt to appear. Because of this, sleep to me is very precious. It feels extremely good and the dreams that I have during sleep are quite vivid, entertaining, and emotionally stirring (if you can believe that @_@ ). But, for many many years now, sleep has to be accompanied with some form or audio or visual stimulation. Be it a TV, an iTunes playlist (which I've been having to make due with due to a lack of working TV in my room -__-;), or, my personal favorite, movies, these things put my mind in a certain place that allows me to fall asleep. It has only recently occurred to me while thinking about this why this happens. When I fall asleep while watching a movie (usually while watching one with friends on DVD), it's not because I'm bored with it; it's because watching the movie makes me feel so safe and comfortable.

Feeling safe and comfortable are the two feelings that I must have in order to sleep. The comfort usually comes from a nice bed and a good flannel blanket. But the safety is the hardest thing for me to get through my head. Since I have extremely high Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I worry about everything and twist any sign of danger into (literally) the end of the world. For example, when I was left home alone at my house when I was a teenager (and probably still now), any unusual sound at all would make me think that a burglar was trying to get into the house and kill me. I live right by an airport, so whenever a plane would fly over my house as I was lying in bed, I was always fearful that it was going to crash into my house and kill me and my family. And lastly, the most terrifying for me as it comes just from my own thoughts, is I get this notion that the end of the world is coming (as in, like, the next 10 seconds), and the more I think about it, the more I think the whole world is going to just blow up and we're all going to die. So, even in a perfectly calm room, I can never really feel safe when I have this hyper-vigilant, paranoid brain in my head.

But then there are those things that make me feel safe. If I am at a sleepover with friends, I will easily be able to fall asleep, especially if we're talking till we're so tired our eyes with fall out. When I lived in the dorms with a roommate, have my bunk-mate made me feel extra secure and was a great way for me to fall asleep. But now, living by myself and being 22 years old, I can't have sleep overs or have the safety of a bunk-mate. So, instead, I try to create manufactured safety through the things I mentioned earlier: TV, music, and movies. While music usually leaves me in an odd state, TV usually works better, since it makes me feel like there are others in the room with me. But movies are the best. Getting involved with the story (especially a familiar one that I've seen over and over again) will make me feel so safe and forget all of my thoughts of death and destruction. I guess that is a big reason I love movies so much: they are an absolutely safe place for me. What places make you feel like that? Think about it, appreciate it, and let it make you feel good.

Well, since I only have my laptop, it's going to have to be my NightMix playlist tonight. Sweet dreams, all. And find that safe place.

--Till then...