Saturday, May 28, 2011

Ambulatory Coma

I had this thought the other day that's kind of stuck with me. I just offered my own consciousness up to anyone willing to take over. I'll just fade away. Something else can just do this. All of this. Not like suicide or anything. Just being world-wearing and giving up.

Life recently has become so pointless and punctuated too far and in between with stressful, half-assed "vacations" and not enough time talking with friends. I feel like everything I do now is just as a form of relief from work. For example, I love watching movies so much. But after I watch a movie, it's like a crash from a big high I've been on when I face the reality of my day and responsibility. Any small pleasure I take in something is fleeting at best and depressing at worst when I juxtapose it to my harsh reality.

I guess that's why I'm starting to revert to my coping mechanism "auto-pilot" mode. In a way, I got my wish. I'm here, but not really. Every day is just so "blah" and there's not much to look forward to. Every day will be the same. I just got a small promotion at my job, but that'll just push me more into this blandness. And even my impending vacation seems pointless when I think of the fact that it will eventually end. I can only see myself coming out of "auto-pilot" when I'm actually going to be making my own decisions in my life instead of now where cruel circumstance is doing that for me.

It also doesn't help when the majority of my friends are 2,000 or more miles away.

Help me out of my own life.

--Till then...

1 comment:

redapple said...

Ya know, I understand how you feel, this feeling of pointlessness. Once I started to get a hang of this "work routine," watever I did was to avoid thinking or talking about work. but that activity became a routine too, which is sad. Nothing really exciting happens other than lil funny/stupid/weird stuff at work and it just makes me think like...what the hell am I doing with myself. It was funny to hear from ppl that I don't go to school anymore and that i'm lucky that I dont, b/c i dont have to deal with the hw/finals madness. It's true! But at the same time, it's hard to consider that lucky b/c this feeling of "auto-pilot" is not exactly fun either.

So i'm glad that you get this feeling...i wish you lived closer so we'd find a get away place and go there after work everyday and complain about work and our would be something to look forward to keep me going through the day at work!!! poo...come work in seattle!! :P