The Cycle

Even through all the anger, through all the let downs, through all the absolute, total, inexplicable pain that comes from one source, through all the failures, through the black-hole that is you, through the utter lack of self-worth you cause me, through the feeling like a stranded ship in a deadly ocean frantically shining my beacon to another passing vessel that completely ignores me, through all of the compounding daily frustration that constantly fills my mind, through all of this, I still have hope. Is that bad?

--Till then...

Urgent Request!!!

FIRST: I REALLY want you to read my last post. I took a lot of time writing it and would like for others to read and comment on it.


I just created a new blog it's called "Uso Tsuki" (嘘月). It's a play on words. Do you get it? "Usotsuki" means "liar", but the kanji I used mean "false moon", but are still read the same way. I thought it was pretty cool sounding and came up with it by myself. Anyways, it's a blog entirely written in Japanese. I want to use it to practice writing in Japanese because lately, I've been forgetting ALL of my Japanese. You will see this clearly in my first post...

While creating it, I got an idea! I think all of us who know Japanese should be contributors to the blog so that we have one Japanese blog. Maybe how it could work would be someone would post something in Japanese, and another person could translate it into English. That way, we could practice both our writing AND translating skills as well as allow those who don't know Japanese to read the blog!!! Does that sound good? I really would like to do this and think it would be a fun way to keep in touch and to practice our skills.

My last request for the blog is that those who are fluent in Japanese (*cough* AIMI *cough*) could correct the Japanese written there so that whoever writes in it could get feedback on how accurate their writing is.

PLEASE, can we do this???? I think it would be so much fun!!!

--Till then...

P.S.: Someone should also be in charge of changing the layout @_@

Keeping a Stiff Upper Lip

"Yesterday, something strange happened."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"I found this stone."

"Wow. Sounds exciting..."

"Shut up. It glowed. Black."

"What?! How can something glow black?"

"I don't know. It just did."

"Show it to me."

"That's the thing. That's the strange thing that happened."

"Something stranger than finding a stone that glows black?"

"Yeah. Losing something is a lot stranger than finding something sometimes. Where do I begin..."

"Where did you find this stone?"

"I guess that's a good place to start. At work. I was taking the trash out to the dumpsters and found it lying underneath a half-eaten slice of pizza."

"Sick!!! You actually touched it?!"

"The bottom was glowing black. Of course I touched it. Anyways, I picked up the stone, and something just... came over me. I stared at it. For hours."

"What?! Are you serious? Hours?! At a stone?"

"Yeah. I was snapped out of it because one of my coworkers came outside to throw something away. They thought I had already left since my shift was over, but they said I was just standing there, staring at something in my hand."

"They didn't see the stone?"

"No. As soon as they called my name, I hid it from view. I walked to the park afterward. I sat at a picnic table overlooking the lake and just stared at the stone some more. It was beautiful. Otherworldly."

"Are you saying it came from, like, space?"

"I don't know where it came from. But have you ever heard of anything like that before on earth?"

"No. But it's not like I'm a geologist or anything. It could still be from earth. Anyways, how did you lose it?"

"I'm getting there. Anyways, it was getting late. Real late. And dark. So I got out my lighter to look at the stone more."

"Man, how long were you staring at the stupid thing?"

"A long time, OK. I couldn't help it. Anyways, I took my lighter out and the weirdest thing happened. Almost as soon as the light was made, it was sucked into the stone."

"What?!"

"Yeah, I know, right?! But, what was even weirder was that the fire was still there. A flame was still burning, but it had no light. Only heat. I was kind of creeped out-"

"Obviously!"

"-by the whole thing, so I went inside the bathroom area in the park to wash my face, you know, to regain my composure. Even though I was doing this, though, I couldn't put the stone down. It wasn't like it was glued to my hand or anything, but I just felt no reason to put it down. So I washed my face and rested on the mirror above the sink. I put the hand with the stone near the light above the mirror. And again, the light went out! It was absorbed into the stone!"

"What the hell, man. Are you shitting me? Is this some sort of joke?"

"No!! What would I gain from lying to you?"

"Whatever. Keep going."

"Anyway, I got freaked out again. I had no clue what to do. I went back home to my room and turned my light on, making sure to keep the stone as far away as possible from the light while still being able to look at it. I wanted to see if absorbing the light had changed it. And it did. I know this sounds weird-"

"Dude, this whole story is already weird."

"-but the stone was... blacker. But not. It's hard to describe. It kinda felt like seeing a new color that's not in the rainbow. It was- God, I hate using this word again- an otherworldly black. And it just made me stare at it more. I don't know why, but something in the back of my head kept telling me to give it more light. So I went around my entire house turning on all the lights and putting the stone next to."

"What about your family? Didn't they hear all of this?"

"My parents sleep through everything. I could be being hacked to death with a chainsaw by a serial murderer and they'd keep on sleeping. And my brother is away on his stupid 'retreat' (a.k.a. an excuse to get shitfaced in the woods) this weekend. So yeah, no one noticed me. I took it to every single light in the house. Even the light of the TV, the light coming from my alarm clock, the light from my laptop. Everything. Everything that put out the tiniest bit of light. Finally, after I went through everything I could get my hands on, I went outside. The sun was just coming up, but not enough to see anything well. So I went to the Starbucks down the street."

"Did you go to get coffee?"

"No, idiot. I went to look at the stone some more. I was completely into the stone. The employees gave me this weird look when I just went and sat down at the table directly under the light. I looked into the stone. It had changed again. It was........."

"Hey!! Are you OK? You just blanked out."

"Sorry. It's just... It was like looking into everything in the world all at once."

"What does that even mean? Sounds like some stupid ass cliche."

"I don't know. But I only looked at it for ten seconds before my eyes hurt so much."

"Like how?"

"Like when you've been in darkness for a really long time and you turn the TV on and it hurts your eyes. Like that, but times 50."

"Oh yeah, I know what you mean. What happened next?"

"I put the stone down to rub my eyes. I even screamed a little, it hurt so much. Those employees must have thought I was some sort of freak. It was weird rubbing my eyes, though. As soon as I had put the stone down, I felt some sort of emptiness inside me. Like I ceased to exist. So I picked the stone up and stumbled to the door, trying to open my eyes as little as possible."

"Wow. Emptiness, you say? Did it 'fill up' after you picked the stone up again?"

"Hmmm... Not really. It was kind of 50/50. It definitely felt different. I looked back down at it after rubbing my eyes and it looked different as well. Still glowed that otherworldly black, but just... different."

"But wait, that must of happened just a couple of hours ago. How could you lose the stone between then and now?"

"That's the thing. When I looked back at the stone, it started burning my hand. I dropped it, because it hurt so much."

"What?! You have to be making all this up. All of this from a stone?"

"Anyways... I poked it on the ground to see if it was still hot, but it seemed fine, so I picked it up again. I decided to go back home to figure things out. But as I was walking over there, it happened again. It burned me at least four times. See, look at my hand. And each time I picked it back up, it looked different again. Still utterly captivating and otherworldly, but more real and distant, if that makes any sense. Finally, I dropped it one more time... But it landed in the storm drain..."

"Fuck!!! What did you do?!"

"I just sat there and cried..."

"Cried?! Over a stone?!"

"You didn't see this fucking stone, OK. It was so... beyond anything. Beyond the world. I don't know. Everything I'd say not would just seem like a shitty cliche that doesn't really mean anything. But it'd be true. I can't do it justice. You'd have to have seen it."

"Geez. I'm sorry. I wish I had seen it. If it was that amazing."

"Yeah... I wish I could see it again too..."

"What happened after that?"

"I went back to my house. I walked in and my parents were up. They were really pissed off. They asked me why all the electronics were on in the house. I didn't give a shit. But I looked at everything and could only see a faint light coming from things. I knew they were normally much brighter. But now, every thing of light just seems darker to me. The sun, even. It's like I'm wearing permanent sunglasses."

"What the hell? That's so bizarre!! I wonder where that stone came from. And where it is now. And why it could do all of those things. Man, how do you feel after all of this shit?"

"Beyond dead."

--Till then...

Yasashii Yoake

永遠探す君は移り気な夢見人
浮気な夢にすがり貴方は何処へ行く
Me

黄昏開く鍵を探して月の影
届かないまま泣いた私は何処へ行く
Me

二人瞳に秘密失くしても
重ねた腕をほどきはしないわ
Us

一月の蒼い月朝焼け隠してよ
終わるはずのない夜に優しい夜明け
To you

近付く程に痛む恋の重さのせいで
離れすぎてた胸を自由と呼んでいた
You

暗い場所にだけ光るものがあると
小さな窓の遠く見つめてた
You

一月の蒼い月どこまで落ちて行く
終わるはずのない恋に優しい夜明け
To me

一月の蒼い月朝焼け隠してよ
終わるはずのない夜に優しい夜明け
To you

Regardless if it's worth believing anymore, what's written here is true. I can't control anything. I'm not allowed, I guess, to want anything either. I am told from all sides to give up. I still want. I still try and control. And I still never give up. Hopefully the gentle dawn will come and shine it's light on us. Till then, I'll be here. Till then, all reading, let us 生き続く。 You must also 生き続く, even though you don't want to. We all must. Because the gentle dawn will come. And even the pale moon cannot hide that.



If you want the meaning, you can easily find it. Go look. And you, you will probably never read this, will you? Why did I even write this.

--Till then...

Some Thoughts

The sound of the Skype ringer makes me happy. It reminds me of when people would call me in Japan.

I love the zoo so much. The zoo will never get old to me.

When I am in Pacific Place, I have this horrible feeling that I'm going to fall off the balcony.

Lately I've found most modern comedy movies forced and just not that funny. Friends, on the other hand, will always make me laugh.

Sometimes I fall asleep in my bed here, and when I wake up I think that I'm back home.

I have reoccurring nightmares about high school. The main theme is retaking my Senior physics class or being late to class.

I really like the way my hair looks when I first wake up. But it usually goes back to its horribly frizzy state throughout the day.

I get excited at the thought of eating at side of the road diners that look they've been there since WWII.

I think it's really sad that we have thoughts like these and other thoughts that we can't share with anyone.

--Till then...

Worse... Much Worse....

I am much much worse. I am in a deep pit. Only one thing can save me, but I don't think that it will happen. I can't see the light. I just want to stay away. I just need to stop for a while. I am nothing. I am worth nothing. Everything I touch is ruined. Everything falls apart when I am there. I am not worth saving. In any reality.

--Till then...

Better

I'm doing a lot better nowadays. I've realized to look on the good (which there is a LOT of in my life :-D) and realize that it is unreasonable to think that I will be happy and things will go my own way all the time. A lot of my unhappiness has mainly stemmed from my own selfishness. I realized that I have trouble accepting not being first all the time. And that's not fair, to anyone.

What has made me better (which I recommend that EVERYONE do) is talking. Talking about everything. Telling someone you trust some of your darkest secrets and, more importantly, your greatest longings. Follow your emotions and connect with people, and you will feel less alone and more grounded in the good of the world. It will take a lot to shake you from that.

This needs to be done by everyone. I want everyone who reads this to try doing what I said, face-to-face, with someone they care about and trust. I know in my life right now, there is someone who could benefit greatly from doing this. While I don't normally like using someone else's words to say what I want to say, I want to offer these lyrics from my favorite song in the world, "Come" by Namie Amuro, to that person:

もし今悲しみ溢れるなら、
私に凭れて泣いていいから。

If, now, your sadness is overflowing,
It's OK if you lean on me and cry.

気づいてあなたはこの世界で、
ただ一人だけの大切な人。

I'll let you translate this on your own...

もう瞳閉じて

Close your eyes.

もう眠ればいい

It's OK if you fall asleep.

So come my way.

--Till then...