WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I'm so fed up with all of this. So fed up. I wish I was the person I was a year ago. Someone full of self-confidence, hope, motivation, and good naivety. Now, my overriding feelings are despair and anxiety. The last two posts seemed like a step in the right direction. But here I am, slipping back into depression. I can't take it anymore. Each day here, I'm realizing more and more that my family is falling apart. In my most extreme desperation, they were all I had to fall back on. But now, I might not even have that. My father, as usual, is the source of it all. I have it easy being 2,000 miles away and becoming less and less dependent on my family each day, but my poor mother is basically dying in her own life. All I want for Christmas is humility from all the people that are fucking causing all of the anxiety and despair in my life. Is that too much to fucking ask, seriously? Swallow your useless fucking pride and be a real human being.

--Till then...

Tell Me

At what point does life become memories? When do these memories become nostalgia? And when do memories become so powerful they make us cry?

--Till then...

Thinking About the Future; Looking Back at the Past

Seeing the "Graduation Party" invite just makes me realize how inevitable the end of school is. Even though I feel like it'll never come, it will. And now, even though I'd rather stay with you, my friends, forever, I am happily thinking about the future.

When I first came to school, all I wanted to do was go home and live with my parents for the rest of my life. That's all I honestly wanted. I wanted it because it was safe, comforting, and free of change. When I was leaving for college, I was excited for change, but when I actually got there, I realized how much change scared the shit out of me. Looking into the future was the last thing I wanted to do, because I felt like I had no future. I felt like I was going to be alone forever. I had no clue how I'd make friends, nor why anyone would want to be friends with me in the first place. But somehow, I met the greatest people in the world.

Recently, I've been wondering what my life would have been like if I had taken a different path. I think, overall, going to the University of San Fransisco would have been a better fit for me. They have a Japanese studies major (a fact that, if I had known about it, would have led me there for sure. Sadly, the recruiter who came to my high school failed to mention this when I asked her about their Japanese program.....), and I feel like I would have liked the city a bit more than bleak Seattle. The more I look at it, the more I wish I had done it, and looking at the courses they offer makes me cringe in regret. I wouldn't be graduating this late (assuming that my family let me do it earlier), I would be doing something I love, and I'd have the possibility to add another major or degree. But, given the chance to do it over, I don't think I would. The friends I have made at Seattle University are nothing short of life-changing. I guess this brings me back to the sad fact that I'll never have this environment with my friends ever again... Living with you all has been the greatest thing in the world. That's why I miss freshman year so much, being literally across the hall from people I enjoy to my core.

But, as I hate to admit it, things must change. Well, if they're going to change, then I might as well pursue something different that I wanted to do, right? That's why I'm so excited for the next four years. This summer, I will hopefully be in Japan, the land of my dream, taking intensive classes in the subject I am best at: Japanese. And, on top of that, all expenses will be paid in full. Then, with a little luck and some great recommendations, I'll be able to live and work in Japan through the JET program. I want to do it for at least two years, but I hope that I like it enough to do three. By that time, I pray that I am fluent enough in Japanese to get into the graduate school of my dreams, the Monterey Institute of International Studies, where fluency in another language is an entrance requirement. There, if I still have the will, I'll pursue a dual degree in Translation and Interpretation along with Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages. I'll then be set to live abroad, pursuing my dream to be either an English professor at an East Asian university or to work for the U.S. government in the diplomatic corps. Either way, my dream life will be fulfilled.

Somewhere in between, I plan on doing this program at my high school called "Alumni Service Corps". In it, alumni from my high school who have earned a bachelor's degree teach classes based on what they're best at. I'd like to start a Japanese program there, since the only languages they offer there are Spanish, Latin, and German. Also in between, I hope to become fluent in at least one other language. I'm planning on it being Korean, as I hear they are starving for English teachers. I also want to learn Italian and Spanish. I feel like after learning Asian languages, these Romance languages will be a walk in the park.

Ah... Thinking about the future is fun. But working towards it is another thing.

--Till then...


P.S.: Sorry for the sucky writing. I have no clue why it's so awkwardly phrased.

Happiness Is...

Have you ever heard the song "Happiness" from the musical You're a Good Man Charlie Brown? In it, the Peanuts gang sings about things that make them happy. It's funny how the things that made us happy as a child can still make us happy, but a lot of times, we feel we need to "grow up" and "put away childish things". I admit, I put my happiness aside almost all the time. I think happiness can be dangerous if pursued only. I'd rather have a life of meaning than a life of happiness. But now and then, I realize that I can have it both ways.


Happiness is...

...seeing my best friends.
...laughing at stories.
...watching cartoons.

Happiness is...

...hugging my mother.
...watching the clouds go.
...cuddly raccoons.

Happiness is...
...having a cup of green tea with rice.

And happiness is...
...a fresh new sheet of ice.


What makes you happy? I think each day I'm gonna write things that make me happy... What would make me beyond happy right now is some snowfall... That would pick my spirits up right away.

--Till then...

Anger/Hate

Yes, I haven't posted here in forever. I think it's because I feel this place should be a space to write down my feelings to share with others, but I feel like everyone is sick of hearing my problems. Whatever, I think it's more personal now. But I'd still greatly like if you respond to it....

Anger and hate are often intrinsically linked. For me, this is in a way, true. Someone who makes me angry in essence is the basis of who I hate. Hate is such a strong word, but I won't deny it. I hate a couple of people. And, as weird as this may sound, I hate out of love. For example, I hate my brother. He's a selfish, lying, hedonistic asshole. But it's out of love that I hate him. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't give a shit about him. But because I love him and see him throwing his life away and doing nothing to move forward, I hate him. He's dying in front of my, his life all but hopeless, so I hate him for it.

This same pattern applies to other people. People who I care for deeply, but throw their lives away for false reasons and live in their own world. They fill me with such anger. And what angers me the most is their reaction to this anger. My anger/hate that I described comes out because I care for/love someone. I see no point in getting angry at someone who does not impact my life. To me, this is quite obvious. But the people I am angry at can't see this. If I hate you, I love you.

In a way, this can apply to a macroscopic view. Most people on campus that I'd say I "hate" even though I know them very little anger me because, again, I feel like their life is being wasted. Everyone reading this might immediately think I'm an asshole. Maybe I am.

But I love you.

--Till then...