Sooo, what IS this blog?

I've been debating on whether-or-not to even keep this blog.  But I was thinking, maybe I'll write more personal things in here.  Who knows.  I guess here's something personal:

My laziness knows no bounds.  I'm way too lazy for my own good....  I thought an international move and a professional life would be enough to knock me out of it, but apparently not!!!  I gotta stoppppp.  I also wanna talk to all my friends state-side.... but they never wanna talk to me..........

--Till then...

A Castle with no Door

I think thoughts are beautiful. I feel like I have a lot of good thoughts, but I can never express/remember them. I think this is a pretty common problem, no? Like any time I'm mad at someone, I'll have this conversation between them in my head with the perfect words to say and even predict their retorts and one-up them with even better retorts, but when I actually start talking/arguing, that whole interior conversation goes away. Ugh, I think I better carry a notebook around with me. I know it's so cliche, but I gotta do something to keep my mind straight and remember these phrasing. Being out of school and doing menial work makes your mind week. Like when you were a kid and you're come back to school and you'd forget how to write properly because you haven't done it all summer.

Oh well, just some thoughts. Some horribly written thoughts that sound much better in my head.

--Till then...

Regret

Regret is the biggest shadow on my life. I regret almost every major action I take and the thoughts of said hijack my brain and, consequently, my life. I know most people regret things and certain regrets haunt their lives for a long time, but literally not a second goes by where I don't think about my regrets. It is a personal struggle I'll probably have to live with for the rest of my pathetic life. I wish I was exaggerating when I say how much I think about these things, but it's true and it's crippling.

The only time I don't think about these things are when I'm with friends and having a good time, which, lately, has been non-existent. I'm hoping my big move to Japan will change my scene enough to shock me out of this and help me enjoy my future with my friends, but I know another lull will come and all I'll have for company are my carnivorous regrets.

Ugh, I'm even regretting posting this as I write it. Be kind with me.

--Till then...

Words to Live By

Change is coming, and it feels so good!!! It's still relatively far away, but it's exciting!!! And there is one phrase that's gotten me through all this. I don't usually like taking other people's words as inspiration, but this phrase from Owl City's song "This is the Future" has really been my mantra:

Dive in and swim away
From your loneliness and miserable days.

My loneliness and miserable days have been quite numerous lately. And my willingness and hope for anything good has been inversely proportional. But chanting my mantra, I dove into the pool of possibilities for a chance to swim away. And it worked.

Where am swimming to now to escape these two things that plague my current life? Japan, of course! There, my loneliness shall end. So many of my dearest friends currently (or will soon) live there. There, my miserable days will be numbered. I can have the freedom I want with the exploration I crave.

I know it won't be perfect. I'm predicting I will not like my job or the situations it will put me in, but this is just stop one on my journey.

But seriously, just think about how powerful these words are. We can swim away from our own problems with effort. It may be hard and our seas may be more turbulent than others', but we're all already drowning where we are now. So please, everyone, I urge you: dive in and swim away from your loneliness and miserable days.

--Till then...

I Need to Shave

Funny how time slips more and more away. Even now, in my days of just work instead of work and school and clubs and everything, I can't even find time to shave or clean my room or wash the dishes. I pray that it's because I can't find the time and not that I don't have the energy. Please don't tell me this is aging. I've fought my entire life to not... Never mind. I'll spare you that thought.

I've been planning on things changing. I'm hoping this change will mean that I'll have time to shave. But there's the thought of the harsh reality that I'll never have time to shave.

--Till then...

But Tomorrow Comes...

I WILL

Do EVERYTHING I say I will. Because I deserve it. Because the world deserves it.








But I'll start tomorrow...

--Till then...

Ambulatory Coma

I had this thought the other day that's kind of stuck with me. I just offered my own consciousness up to anyone willing to take over. I'll just fade away. Something else can just do this. All of this. Not like suicide or anything. Just being world-wearing and giving up.

Life recently has become so pointless and punctuated too far and in between with stressful, half-assed "vacations" and not enough time talking with friends. I feel like everything I do now is just as a form of relief from work. For example, I love watching movies so much. But after I watch a movie, it's like a crash from a big high I've been on when I face the reality of my day and responsibility. Any small pleasure I take in something is fleeting at best and depressing at worst when I juxtapose it to my harsh reality.

I guess that's why I'm starting to revert to my coping mechanism "auto-pilot" mode. In a way, I got my wish. I'm here, but not really. Every day is just so "blah" and there's not much to look forward to. Every day will be the same. I just got a small promotion at my job, but that'll just push me more into this blandness. And even my impending vacation seems pointless when I think of the fact that it will eventually end. I can only see myself coming out of "auto-pilot" when I'm actually going to be making my own decisions in my life instead of now where cruel circumstance is doing that for me.

It also doesn't help when the majority of my friends are 2,000 or more miles away.

Help me out of my own life.

--Till then...